Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Disco Blood

There was a time before all the poppin' and lockin'. Back when an ordinary goofball could get out on the dance floor shake whichever body part was still functioning and it would be applauded. I'm waiting for those times to make a comeback.
These were not highly coordinated dance moves, almost none of it was predetermined or practiced. Moves that drunk white boys could mimic with their heads held high and slurring.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Stitch This

I want to know what normal people think about when they drive by a hospital.
You know that there are people in there getting ripped from the V to the A while giving birth. Others are in the emergency section for anything from massive life threatening wounds to nausea. And even others are lying around in those auto beds waiting for death.
You have to figure that if you're driving past the hospital, you're probably doing better than any of the people stuck in there. Unless of course you got in a fight at a Polish Chili Cook-off Fight Club and are driving home with a wooden ladle shoved half way up your ass to get your great grand mama's secret recipe and put those Polack's in their place. In which case, those kids with chicken pox are kicking your ass in the feel good department.

Thursday, December 26, 2013


I'm pretty sure, as in almost positive that a woman came up with the idea of wedding/baby announcements.
Not because guys don't care, obviously we need to care, at least a little, on some level we made a decision to do one of those two things.
Women want the world to know. They are excited, but they also locked it down, or they won a trophy in the baby race. Guys will just throw it out casually in conversation, it takes a different sort of crazy to get us billboard excited. It's weird.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Elf on the Shelf....

It was Christmas Eve, and like every year, I woke up with that sense that magic was in the air...but there was something else. Something sinister hung over me that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Like I was being watched.
Throughout the entire morning I felt that feeling of creeping dread. Going about my morning routine I noticed what had been eluding me.

He called himself an elf but his eyes told a different story. I saw sorrow in those eyes. Sorry and an eternity of pain. When I approached the question of his origin he quickly changed the subject. "A storm is coming," he told me in a bright high pitched voice. The smile though...the smile never faded, and a sliver of doubt grew in my heart.
"You must train!" he told me, and train I would. With that never fading twinkle in his eye he led me to a room I had never seen before in my own house, a room with some futuristic equipment meant to strengthen the human body beyond our own means. Train I must, so train I shall.

I could feel the energy draining from my body. What was this horrible contraption? The strength was being zapped from me, not stored within. When I questioned it, the Elf only smiled his bland smile and told me to ride on. We would feast after, and that would regain my senses.
It was at the table I realized this wasn't the helpful friendly Elf he had claimed to be. No dinner awaited me and the tiny figure sat across the table with his locked in smile and wide blue eyes. Fear struck me then and I demanded for him to tell me what it was he really wanted from me. Why had he come here?
"Every year I must collect a soul." was the Elf's cheery reply. Sweat broke out on my face and it could have been my imagination but his smile seemed to grow wider.
"Let me get you another soul," I told him. We can sit and discuss this like civilized individuals. He only nodded, but he joined me in the kitchen.
Negotiations broke down before they even began. The foul creature had pocketed a steak knife in his, his; well he had been hiding it somewhere and his dead eyes smiled up at me when he produced it.
"We don't have to do this." I pleaded. "Look at yourself, I could swat you as if you were an inanimate plush toy."
But the decision had already been made, and he was on me in the blink of an eye, his speed was unfathomable.

I was on the ground screaming before I could even react.
The first cut was light and quick but the others...the bastard was gaining momentum.
"Your soul!" He demanded in his high pitched voice as if it was an option for me to just turn it over. The blood was wet and warm on my face and after grappling I finally got a hold of his tiny body. I did the only thing, I could think of. I fought.

The first instinct was to push. I out weighted the little sucker by at least 250 pounds. So with all my strength, I swung forward and launched the little demon. But it wasn't enough. His speed was his weapon and before I could take a breath he had me back on the ground begging for air.
The air seemed to escape me, as if there wasn't enough to go around. Then I realized that he had his tiny soft hands around my neck and the pressure there was soft but life threatening. Struggling for consciousness my vision blurred, would this been the end? A tiny soul collector was going to meet his quota with me? One final breath.
It was gingerbread. Of Course! I had put in gingerbread cookies before my training. Summoning every ounce of strength that remained, 
I carried out my last attack.
We were both screaming as he went in head first. The creature figured it had already won. As he burned his tiny cute voice changed to a dark deeper one, and he revealed to me that he was indeed a minion of hell. In his final breath he assured me that his brothers would come for me. And that he would be the one to taste my soul in the end.
So I did what any man would do. I enjoyed some gingerbread and prepared for battle.
It didn't take long. They came for me the following morning, when I went to bury the Elf. Christmas Day.


Monday, December 23, 2013

That Faint Tingling Feeling

Do you ever find yourself getting struck by a memory like a hammer to the back of the head?
I was walking through a department store and noticed the changing rooms were old school and had that 12 inch gap at the bottom of the door. When I was a young tot(maybe an old tot, 13 or so) I remember sitting outside those style of changing rooms getting my brothers their school clothes, and on occasion a woman would go in and from under the door you could see the pants come off.
Remember, you're really only seeing exposed ankle, however to a boy being hit with a tidal wave of hormones this was the closest I'd ever been to seeing a girl half naked. It was awe inspiring.
So ladies, next time you find yourself in an old school changing room just think, you could be making young men's dreams come true.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Stupid Christmas

Apparently there is an attack on Christmas. I didn't know, since it is the largest celebrated holiday in the US of A. Looking into this I found that there are atheist groups that are bitching about the separation of  church and state and wanting nativities taken off of government grounds.
Listen, I'm all about the separation, but who gives half a shit if a baby Jesus and a menorah are represented? As long as no one is left out, it's not a big deal is it? Don't worry atheist groups(which has to be the lamest group meeting on the planet) you're represented. See right over there between the light up dreidel and the Christmas tree, there's a big empty space to represent your lack of any religion.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Duck, Duck, Oops

There once was a CEO of a chicken restaurant that claimed his religious beliefs forced him to detest homosexuality. The CEO of a duck call company recently compared homosexuality to terrorism. Due to these people hiding behind religion, they are continually supported for "Speaking up for their beliefs." Are you fucking kidding me?
What if these same people had claimed that there was no God? How many of those same people would be supporting them then?
Duck Dynasty is a show based completely around Christian conservatism so it's no surprise that the Christian community is backing ol' Phil Robertson. There are a couple other things Mr. Robertson may want to consider. Homosexuality is not a choice. Condemning someone because of how they were born is the same as being racist. You get all grossed out do you? I'm pretty sure people would get grossed out watching you fuck too, so we'll call it even on that one.
Another thing it says in the bible is to pray in private, not in the streets. When it talks about praying in your closet I don't think there is any way to misinterpret that into making millions of dollars off of a television show praying on camera for that paycheck.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The Remote

I want to send out a personal thank you to whoever decided we need remote controls for everything. Some individual decided that sitting in leisure was not as good as CONSTANTLY sitting in leisure. The original remote was called The Lazy Bones and had a cord that ran to the TV, like old school video game controllers. But that wasn't good enough for Eugene Polley, he and Zenith wanted full disconnection. This of course paved way for the controlled lighting, music systems, and bark collars.
Fast forward 55 years and we can pretty much sit anywhere and control everything. Thank you Mr. Polley for advancing our laziest inhibitions. I'm going to nuke some lunch and have it delivered by drone to my Lazy Boy.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Merry Christmas

Who decided that Santa needs elves? This is eerily close to child labor and on another note, why would elves hang out at the North Pole? Is it because they are tiny and adorable? Is it because the world turned against them as man evolved? Their small bodies acted as miniature walking heaters? They became nomadic wanderers fleeing from their homes as the humans encroached on their tiny elven cities? Only to find a leader in an elder gentlemen who reformed them for good? Or maybe it was only to seem good at face value. Maybe Santa will one day raise up with his army of elves and attack the world of men. Maybe this Christmas will be our last.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Nut Crackin

At what point did people decide that kitchen tools need to have faces?
I see dishes, dish towels, wine openers, spoons, coffee mugs, ice cream scoops, etc.  Why do people insist on sticking someone else's head in their food?
Nutcrackers are the worst. Not only are they an entire body, but you actually feed them your nuts. Then they get nut sprinkles everywhere and you have broken nuts all over the counter. No sir, I'm not putting my nuts in the wooden vice face of Santa's elves, I'll crack them myself thank you.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Seeing Double

Think about the saying, "If I could only be in two places at once,". What would that look like for you? Would you get work done and have family time simultaneously? Would you double down on work and roll in money with yourself at the end of the day?
I would just fuck with people, have a conversation with someone, get in a car an drive off, then tap them on the shoulder Back to the Future style. Maybe stuff myself from a buffet and tag myself in until I bankrupt the place.
That's why I wasn't born with a twin I think. It wouldn't end well. We would just chase people down the street screaming like we were from Body Snatchers.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Why So Different?

Have you ever been wandering though a crowded area, say a mall and seen someone that just looked stupid? Not just stupid, the point of stupid where you want to punch them in the face or toss them over a banister and watch the wind catch their horrible haircut as they plummet three floors into the middle of the food court. How did we get to that point? How does someone go from goo goo gaa gaa, I want to be every ones friend and I love hugs to, "Is he wearing a band shirt I don't like? Fuck that guy!"

Was it a gradual change? Say, I don't want to share my star wars toys with this kid who loves Power Rangers, then I associate everyone who looks like power rangers kid to being a piece of shit? It could be just one day someone pushes us too far and we discover pure completely biased hate.

Hang on to that thought, some douche just ordered a different coffee than me, his face needs punching.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Changing Rooms

Through the holidays I found myself once again in a fitting room trying on possible new clothes. There are several reasons I don't like fitting rooms such as trying not to think about how many disgusting people have sat in the chair/bench in the process of trying on new pants. On a deeper level I have a odd irrational fear of fitting rooms. No matter what, when I try on new pants I have to check the mirror six or seven times before exiting to make sure I'm wearing pants, and they're mine. I can look in the mirror and touch them making sure I'm wearing pants but as soon as that door comes open I have to turn around and check a couple more times that my pud isn't hanging out.

Monday, November 4, 2013

She Looks Like...

Supposedly when you meet someone new your brain checks their face against all the faces you have memorized. So you usually hear people say, "Oh you look like my friend," because for a millionth of a second their brain told them that's who you were.
When dreaming, your brain takes pieces of faces that are memorized and mixes and matches to create what would be "strangers". You know what that means.
When you go to sleep and have that bizarre sex dream about that sultry stranger there could be a part of mommy or daddy in there.
Sweet dreams.

Friday, November 1, 2013

We Can't Do Anything Right

Remember when people could just shrug stuff off? It's a faint memory, way back there, or maybe you're one of the few left with that special power.
People can't even post a riddle on Facebook without people shitting their pants and getting up in arms at answering it. I'm sure that whoever picked the riddle picked it on purpose to get people bitching. I have a two step trick that help me from getting caught up in this kind of behavior.
Step One-Take a deep breath
Step Two-Keep your fucking mouth shut.
Very simple, and it keeps me sane, and the people in my general vicinity happy.
Try it, you'll like it.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

No More Talky

There is a commercial out now where a kid uses Google to research a school project. In the next scene he searches Google for "How to ask a girl out".
This is a perfect example of how society has evolved to a point where even the most basic things are automated, including advice. Not only are we accepting that childhood advice should be handed down from strangers via the Internet, but companies are advertising by selling the fact that their goods are outsourcing parenting.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Who Gives a Shit About Kids?

I've noticed a very odd and somewhat creepy trend in women lately.
When watching a show such as The Walking Dead (10/20) there were a number of small animals killed and the ladies in the room freaked out, covered their eyes, and would not watch. Lamenting cries of "Those poor little pigs!"
That's not weird, what's weird is that just ten minutes earlier zombies were eating children. CHILDREN, and they didn't bat an eye. No muffled cries, no, "those poor babies!" Nothing.
Guys, look out, because if some horrible event does befall us, and it comes down to eating the family dog...you may have to watch your ass.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Scared Shitless

I watch a lot of horror movies. Some of them are creepy, and then there are the ones that stick around and sink back into my head around 3am when I wake up because my dog decides to bark for 5 minutes straight.
In my childhood there was the fear of something under my bed, when I needed to jump the last three feet to my mattress so that nothing could make a grab for me. That's still not as bad as bathrooms. I couldn't put my finger on if for a long time, but it's because that's one place that you're almost always alone. Alone in a room that usually has no windows or small ones, and a large curtain blocking off a nice chunk of space.
And there's really nothing worse than a ghost deciding to come after you while you're on the john, then you have to make the hard decision...wipe or run...

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Bringing You Hit After Hit

Every other commercial I see is about some show where people sing covers of other people's music and say that they are bringing you "hit after hit".
Are we saying that your show isn't any better than listening to the radio? You're not writing those songs yourself are you? I'm pretty sure PPuffDiddyDaddy brought in a whole bunch of hits, I think they were written by other people like that very unknown band Led Zeppelin.
Every time a show advertises someone else's ideas they should include a warning-Not as good as the original.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Super Friends

I heard someone say they don't like a lot of people so if you're on their list you're a lucky man.
What? You're a lucky person to be liked by someone that hates everyone? How many people actually enjoy this fucks company?
Then I realized I've said something like that before; I hate the majority of the human race so if I like you that should say something. Does it? Does it say that you're just more awesome than the rest of the population? Or does it say that we suck on roughly the same level and we can hang out shitting on the people below and spewing vomit on those above?

Friday, September 27, 2013

Liquid Diet

I read that Victoria Secret models usually switch to a liquid diet one week before their runway and photo events.
Take a minute and imagine those gorgeous women in the crazy angel wings, sipping cold protein drinks and banana smoothies. Now think of them the night before, just spewing a hot liquid from their bowels. Painful anal angry. Shooting out at a speed that sets off the neighbors car alarms.
Oh...it's all worth it.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Jump, Watch Out, Shoot That!

When I was a kid, I would sit in a room with my brothers and friends and play video games together.
It started out simple enough, taking turns playing basic, simple games. Then it evolved into watching a story evolve, discussing the aspects of puzzle and horror games. Obviously we weren't the only ones to do this.
Somewhere along the way, as the internet developed, someone decided that they would record themselves playing games and splatter them across the web. How lazy have people gotten that they won't call their friends, or even play the games themselves? People are going to the internet for social porn.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


How long did it take for people to start lying to each other?
Did the first human being crawl out of the muck and immediately boast of accomplishments he had yet to master?
How about the first backstabber? How long did it take humans to evolve to the point of developing plans in order to reap benefit from others?
How long did it take for us to get interesting?

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Oh Mai Gawd!

Who the fuck taught these Internet cats to spell?
Either all of the cats in the world are slightly retarded or they have a very...no never mind. That's it.
All cats are slightly retarded.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The Most Talked About Event of the Year!!!!

How is every damn show on TV the most talked about event of the year? There were literally three commercials in a row that claimed that they were sponsoring the most talked about event.
How is there no containment on straight up bullshit advertising? Somehow we've reverted back to buying from snake oil salesmen.
I think if someone comes out with a completely and obvious false advertisement, the CEO of the advertising company and the executives that "OK'ed" the add should be tied to the back of a car, lit on fire, and dragged through the streets of our major cities as an example.

We can then advertise the car, the chain, and the kerosene used for the event to show future advertisers that it can be done right.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Why Are They Together?

In the store I hear two guys talking about a couple that is shopping in the aisle ahead of us.
"Why the hell is that chick with that guy? She's hot as hell."
Let me tell you why sonny boy. That ugly dude worked his balls off and charmed his way into that chicks heart and pants. On top of that, who's to say that the hot female is not a hot bitch? She could have a personality like a sewer drain and that ugly guy can accept that as long as he gets to look at her.
There are a lot of ifs, like, if you weren't busy playing grab ass with your friend in the grocery store maybe you could put a little bit of time into your own personal life.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

What the Fila?

In the past Chick-Fil-A has gotten some press due to their stance on homosexuality.
Yesterday three middle aged men were standing in front of the restaurant at lunch rush hour with large crosses tied together with American flags. What? This can go both ways, let's go over them:

Pro Fil-A: Maybe they are saying that they agree with the business' stance on homosexuality. And how better to do it than with a Christian symbol that in theory supports everyone under a God that is all understanding and forgiving. Or under the American flag which in it's first moments stated that "All men are created equal..." (I understand the hypocrisy there, but stick with me.) A nation that in the last decade has given more rights to the homosexual community than ever in history.

Anti Fil-A: Perhaps these people are taking a stand against a company that has openly stated that they do not support anyone who isn't a heterosexual, and the best way to do that is to wave a flag from a nation that still refuses and fights from giving equal rights homosexuality. Also why not attach it to a Christian symbol that usually denies homosexuality in their vast congregations, and has declared it a sin.

If you want to protest/support anything, think it through at least a tiny bit. This world is so full of extremist shit birds that they don't even care that they're not making sense anymore.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

What's the Rush?

Twice today I have been sitting at a red light while the car next to me inches forward every couple seconds. Eventually the guy is hanging out in the middle of the damn road. What's so important that you can't wait 30 seconds for the light to change?
Not only that, this asshole is now blocking the intersection and when the light finally turns green he doesn't go because he's too busy playing candy crush or some shit on his cell phone and everyone laps his ass. Next time he needs to inch into a rushing river.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Bad Dog

Why do they make dog toys that look like things that I don't want my dog to eat? If I give my dog a toy that looks like a shoe then he thinks my shoes are fair game. No!
Why can't they make a toy that resembles the Kardashian family or Jimmy Falon?  Teach that dog what really needs biting.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Fuck Your Party

Over the course of the last presidential election I discovered something very horrible about politics and America's stupidity. I'm a little late to the game on politics but when listening to two sides of a debate I listed to both sides.
Somehow we have adapted our sports mantra to politics. "I'm a Republican, I don't give a shit what our guy stands for as long as he's a Republican too, we need Obama out!" "I'm a Democrat, no matter what Obama does he's right!"
This is just fucking stupid. Politics doesn't work by standing behind your team because a football team doesn't decide law. Chances are you agree with pieces of policy from both parties but you have your head shoved so far up your ass that you can't see it.
Next time you're watching a hard liberal/conservative broadcast ie. FOX or MSNBC think about how hard they are pushing you to support or in most cases hate a representative, not based on what they are doing or what that person is working for but because of who supports them.
If any group would work half as hard at dictating law and putting plans in action as they do slinging shit at their opponents we wouldn't hate politicians...well probably still a little bit.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Ghost Dad

When I was a kid ghost movies freaked me out. Some of them still do, but there's a odd difference between ghost movies and all others. Ghosts used to be people and still have some connection to their humanity. Zombies are dead cannibals with no brain, vampires need blood to survive, demons are just dicks. Ghosts are in their own little world.
After I thought about this I realized that if I ever came across a ghost that there is really nothing to be afraid of. I'm sure if ghosts exist they are more than likely spending all of their time checking in on their loved ones or hanging out in celebrity homes and watching models undress. I'm sure Swayze is still following Demi around out there somewhere. Come to think of it, it doesn't sound too bad being a ghost. Where's that power drill....

Thursday, July 25, 2013


A kid today said that there are a whole bunch of cranky old people where he works.
I have no idea where he works but I assume that no matter where you are or where you go there are going to be pissed off seniors somewhere nearby.
Do you know why they're pissed off? Because they're still breathing.
Look at your age, then think about how many things you complain about, music, clothes, TV, movies, people in general.
Multiply that by a few decades then consider how pissed you'll be.
Next time you see a pissed off old person just give them a nod, you'll be there soon enough.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


Why is it that every commercial when a model is eating a food they look like they're having an orgasm? Oh look, a fruit filled Greek yogurt, I think I'll have a bit, oh, ooooh, let me lick a little off my finger, and GOO. That was delicious.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Burn It

I watched a special on cults recently and they talked about the groups gathering and burning books to teach the children about what to hate and ideas to disregard. In the same minute they showed a group of men that went into town and bought books to burn. Yup, theses people went into a book store and gave money to the people that they were trying to teach their group to hate. Maybe if they had read a book they wouldn't have turned out to be clown shoe dumb shits.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Juice Me!!

What happens to people when they get into an airport? The second they clear security it seems that everyone is scrounging for an outlet even though no one has even touched their phone or laptop yet. As soon as you're on the plane you have to turn your crap off for a while anyway. I understand wanting to listen to music or watching a movie but you can't call anyone or use the Internet. Haven't these people heard of a book or magazine? I don't need sixteen overweight business men breathing down my taint because they forgot to charge their phone last night.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Scary Number 2

I've noticed that while taking a duke I am incredibly vulnerable. Does anyone attack people while they're taking a shit? It seems like the best time to grab a new pair of shoes off of an unsuspecting victim or procuring a fresh laptop while someone takes a squat at the airport. Having to decide to pull up your pants or wipe would turn your reaction time to crap.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Don't Die on me Bro

Thousands of people die everyday. Usually we don't see this happen because of the amount that die in hospitals or at home. But every now and then someone dies in a supermarket of a heart attack or anal trauma. We know that when you die you lose control of your bowels, that's usually a pretty good indicator that the guy didn't just pass out in his soup. But what if it was something much more...definitive? Someday in the future I'm sure they'll come up with something. I'm hoping that they can make it so that your appendages fall off and flap around the room like dying fish. I want to know when the guy sleeping at the bus stop is really sleeping, and that seems like a pretty good indicator.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

It's Coming

There is a house in my neighborhood that has bars on the windows.  No other house has any defensive measures aside from the occasional alarm system. Someone said that they think it's because they used to live in a big city and that was just the thing, everyone has bars on their windows. Someone else said that they may have a kid in that room that got caught sneaking out. But I know the truth, they're ready...something's coming, maybe not today or fifty years from now but damn it, they're ready.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Who in Their Right Mind...

I hear this all the time and have to wonder why this saying even exists. Lately I heard someone refer to space travel and ,"Who in their right mind would go somewhere they can't breath?" Well to answer your question there are thousands of people who would do that, who are intelligent, who are in their right mind. "Who in their right mind would put holes in their body?" Lady, I can see that you are wearing earrings...are you kidding me? Shut it. Just remember that if you are going to berate someone else's choices that there is a whole ass load of dumb or unexplained shit you've done over the years.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Shit Sandwich

There's something unsettling about eating on the can. It's because there is some form of excrement in the room. The smell doesn't entice hunger, a delicious meatball sub just loses a little bit of that savory factor when the only thing on your mind is that you forget to turn the shitter fan on.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Last Call

How many people had to fall off of bar stools before they decided to put backs on them? None of the stools in my house have backs and on the drinking weekends these things become lethal hazards. Not only that but the shower curtain seems to never support any one's body weight. Then in the AM people begin tripping over invisible animals and walls pop out of no where. It's a mad house.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Bring Your Own Whatever...

It seems like we missed the mark with the whole Bring Your Own Beer business. What caused us to say that this was enough? I have no problem with bringing my beverage to a party. That means that someone is gracious enough to throw a shindig and let me get drunk enough to drop a duke in their pool. That's pretty generous of them.
But why stop at beer? What happened to Bring Your Own Scotch/Whiskey/Vodka/Wine/Jager? If I'm coming to a party I'm going to be B. Y. O. V. because obviously the potato is the most delicious vegetable to drink.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Too Careful?

Somewhere along the way people stopped buying insane pets. How did we let this happen? Wouldn't it be fantastic to turn on the news and find out that a close neighbor was eaten by their pet mountain lion? Then discover that fore mentioned mountain lion was loose in the neighborhood hunting down children that are playing in the sprinklers. Then you get to watch as the cops and animal patrol converge in your backyard to put the animal down and pull the screaming child out of its jaws.
By a pal, buy your neighbor a mountain lion.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Get the hell out of Dodge!

Dodge City, Kansas got a bad rap. People have been telling others to get out of there for years, ever since Gunsmoke. Does anyone say, "Let's spend a weekend Dodge!" Poor bastards.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

It's Mine!

You remember back when people didn't get in massive financial law suits about patents?
Of course not, because that hasn't existed in our life time. We will sue the shit out of anyone that even looks like us. We humans are a ridiculous lot.
I'm thinking about patenting the wheel. It's been around forever and I bet no one has ever patented it since it was grandfathered in as just something that exists. Fuck that, I thought of it at some point in time therefore I should be paid, right?
I hope you've liked riding around on all those fancy wheels for so long, pay up sucka!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Six Degrees of.....Whatever

You ever find yourself thinking about something completely normal, and then over a course of random thoughts it has evolved to some strange creature in your brain? Then you stop yourself and go, "What? How the hell did I get here?"
Usually it's based around sex, especially if you're a guy. But there are those other times. How about an example?
Just this afternoon I was thinking about how I needed to take a shirt to the dry cleaners. A few minutes pass and the image in my head is a man suffocating another man and beating him to death with a pipe. I stopped myself and had a 'What the hell just happened?' moment. It took a while to recall where this all came from, then I realized.
Somehow my brain pictured a dry cleaners and the massive amounts of things in one that could be potentially dangerous. Then it moved on to, what if some occultists ran a dry cleaners and were painting satanic glyphs on the inside of people's clothes. Then what if a man found out about it and tried to stop them. Hence the suffocation and beatings.
The brain is a crazy beautiful thing...enjoy those day dreams!

Friday, April 12, 2013


I would like to hear the conversation that took place during the development of the dildo.
"Janet, I love sex but I can't get anyone to bang me, and I sprained the hand I use to diddle myself. What's a girl to do?"
"I know! Lets get a whole bunch of latex and make a copy of some dude's massive junk and that way we can check our own oil."

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Damn Internet

Somehow the Internet has gone from delightful free porn and pictures of cats in adorable poses to hate websites feeding endless bullshit on anything from politics to imaginary movie trailers.
Naturally people are full of shit but somehow this has gone to a new degree of blatant lying using the Internet as a curtain of anonymity.
On a side note I just heard that Britney Spears is an alien and Bill Cosby is a vampire-totally true.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Ancient Egypt

What happened to the pyramids? There are a little over 100 that were built by royalty back in the day. Then they took a large jump to castles. Sounds to me like humans became a bunch of quitters.
I get it, castles are probably easier to build, I personally haven't built either one, but I can see the foreman having a much better day with castles.
With that set aside, what the hell people? Pyramids look bad ass, but noooo, that wasn't going to work because they took too long and killed too many slaves? Is that it? Because both of those things happened anyway. Can someone bring pyramids back please? Trump?

Monday, April 1, 2013


I want to know how art evolved. Not the paint and pencil and taking pictures. I want to know how we went from someone making a crude depiction of someone to something like a sculpture of two blocks and a piece of silly string. I have no problem with modern art, anything that stretches the imagination is fine, but to say that a brown smudge against a green background is a man's interpretation of life; is just...bullshit.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


Why would any post or repost these ridiculous comments scattered throughout the Internet that are self evident? "Post if you hate child abuse!" Really?
These are just cries for attention, weak minded people on a bad day will stop and say, 'Oh, those poor kids' and repost it. Stop.
If someone says, "Post if you don't like painful sex in the ass." and you, in fact, do not like painful ass sex; then yes please, by all means repost that. These are things we want to know.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Super Size My Ass

Why ban supersize meals? If people can't control themselves then they need to be fat. If they have such a hard time controlling themselves that they get health problems and hit weights around 450 lbs then they probably have it coming. Go ahead and rid the world of yourself and we can replace you with someone with a slightly stronger will. McDonalds and Heart Attack Grill are essentially the next step in human evolution, and they are delicious.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

It's Science

I read an article that detailed how much of the Earth is going to be covered in water in the next 100 years. According to the ice caps melting and all that business we're going to be pretty much up shit creek. With all the advances in science you'd think there would be a way to stop this. Be it a super vent into space that all women have to stand under whenever they do their hair, or by shooting large containers of salt water to the moon. If nothing else we could at least shoot the losers of all game shows around the world to the moon. Science has at least gotten that far.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


There aren't enough foods that explode. In fact there really aren't any that explode on purpose. We need some sort of wild fruit that once it makes contact with saliva just starts popping around in your mouth. It would be an awesome way to get out of a meeting or to give to your grandmother. Come on science!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The New Alert

I think there should be some sort of alert system put on our cleaning supplies. Say after one week a small alarm on your broom goes off because it hasn't moved. Same thing with the duster and vacuum. This could make millions. Think of all the people that just don't think about those things when they get home from a long day of work.
This idea could also be used on other items, like the treadmill, dog toy, and lingerie.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Mmmm, delicious

Upon cutting myself today (mostly on accident) I realized that blood is thick and sticky. I knew this from numerous other interactions with blood but had never given it a ton of thought before now.
You know what else is thick and sticky, nope, not that...maple syrup. I also learned that blood, a lot like maple syrup is delicious on pancakes. So good in fact that I'll be having breakfast for dinner this evening!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


I'm not entirely sure I get why we pour so much time and effort into saving endangered species.
Most of them are animals that we've never heard of, or are strange off species of a common bird or alligator.
Isn't it just basic evolution to have the species that aren't making the grade sign off?
So stop donating time and money to the people from Jersey Shore so that they can crawl back into the ocean and die.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Diamonds are for...

I heard that there is a place you can take your loved ones ashes and have them pressure pressed into a diamond.
First of all this creeps me out just a tad. Not only are you wearing someone, they are involved in every action you take while wearing them.
What if you get a nipple piercing, then put grandma in a diamond studded nipple ring? She would get more action in a month than she had in the last 40 years.
How about a cock ring? Have yourself a little threesome with your old man and some stranger at the bar.
It sounds weird, but your family has never been closer...

Friday, February 22, 2013

Post Cards

I enjoy post cards, just not the same way anyone else does. Actually does anyone like post cards anymore?
I don't like them because it means that someone is 'Wishing You Were Here' but instead I like the idea of someone saying, 'Hey, we're having a fantastic time, I hope you're enjoying your shitty job and sobriety!' So please next time you think about sending a post card, make sure you wipe your ass with it first.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Is the Trix rabbit still around? I'm guessing he starved to death. The kids in those commercials were douche bags, they couldn't share for shit.
You wonder why some kids grow up shitty, it's because of commercials like that. "Hey, I'm starving over here." Eat a dick home boy, this here is my cereal.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

If You Lived Here....

Does anyone ever get pulled in by those 'If you lived here you would already be home' billboards? What kind of person stops and says, hell yes, I definitely don't want to drive another few miles, let's buy a house here!
How does the sign help someone who is leaving their house? Maybe they just bought a corpse from a coroner and pulled out the teeth and cut off the hands and left it in their burning house to commit insurance fraud. Maybe now they are on the run from the law and will never own a house again.

Or maybe they just aren't in the market for a new house.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Sit, Speak, Fetch!

Remember those little robot dogs and cats that they used to make? They didn't really do anything except make a little noise and rock back and forth on their legs. I think we need to revisit this concept. Can we get a new a new version that has a long range receiver in it and will go to the liquor store for me? Maybe they put a doggy door in the back of the building, a sensor opens the door for your animal and boom, they put the bottle in your pet's mouth and they run back home with a receipt and some fresh fun juice!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Save the Animals!

I'm not sure how it happened but somewhere along the way we decided that animal's lives are more important than humans. It may be because dogs have the ability to look sad or by showing pictures of starving cats. The thing is, what about the abandoned starving sick kids? Or when in a movie a woman can be blown up and no one twitches but a horse sprains its ankle and everyone shits their pants?
Now I'm not entirely against the 'lets pour millions of dollars into commercials to save animals' thing. Except for the fact that it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to make these commercials. That money could save every dog, cat, fish, rabbit, iguana, whatever.
If you want to get people to start adopting animals and trying to save them make a commercial that doesn't make people sad with a country song, but makes them fear for the life of that animal. Take a soft white rabbit and put it on camera, give it a name, feed it a carrot, then hit it with both barrels of a 12 gauge.
That'll get people adopting your animals, if nothing else PETA will take them off your hands.
You're welcome.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Run Don't Walk

Why run or walk in the street when a sidewalk is 2 feet away? I understand bikes to a degree, but only if you're hauling ass. Leisure cyclists can either pick it up or get out of the way.
Runners tell me that the asphalt is softer than concrete sidewalks...bullshit. I'm going to smash your head against both and you tell me which one gives. You know what's softer than concrete? Grass. So get your ass off the road, there's a sidewalk right fuckin there!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


Somehow Russell Brand was given a show on FX. This was a completely horrible idea anyway but now the show is getting commercial spots on other networks. I record the Daily Show so I can watch it in the morning. When that guy comes on screen during the ads I feel like I need to take a shower in disinfectant. How can someone who never showers and I can smell through the screen gets to stay on television? Though the fact that they were able to make a live action version of Pig Pen is pretty impressive.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Toilet Rain

More often than not when in a bar bathroom I see guys using the urinal and spitting downward. I cannot and will not do this. I have a fear of spitting on the top of my dick, and it seems like that would just piss my penis off. He's mad at me enough as it is.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Not that Leaf!

I wonder who decided on the practice of toilet paper. You know at some point there was that one guy or gal in the river who said to themselves, 'I would love to do this in a closet in my house'. The only problem was there's no running water in the closet, so what's a guy who just ate an entire goat to do? Ah yes, a bucket, and look an old shroud, but I can't smear up all my shrouds, lets use something growing from outside, or a fuzzy animal.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


War sucks. No doubt about that, I'm not going to talk about war. I'm interested in the crazy shit that we've made for war.
Bombs are the new tank but think about tanks for a second. This is a weapon created to drive into the heat of battle and tear shit up. How are we going to come up with something more hard core than that? The Apache helicopter you say? Touche. Another devastating creation. Flying smoking death to the battlefield.
What are we going to do next?
Is there any chance we get some Terminators up and running? Maybe robot dogs that breathe fire? I'm open to suggestion. I just want us to get there. We've got the 'kick every things ass" weapons. Now lets mix that with something that will make people literally shit their pants when they see it coming their way.

Friday, January 25, 2013

A New Shooter

As prices on everything go up I think we need to look back through history and find a suitable replacement for our guns. My vote is for a redesigned blunderbuss. Not a cool sleek one, but a fat piece of shit that can shoot anything you shove into it out at top speeds. Maybe you could have a couple models, one that shoots old hotwheels cans, and another made specifically to be filled with items from the flea market. At the very least when you shoot a burglar, you can reload with their severed body parts.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Home of the Whopper

What happened along the lines of dining evolution that people decided certain animals shouldn't be eaten? Pets are understandable but some people in the US even eat their pets. People have the pet pig or calf, and then as the animal grows up it eventually goes to the ole slaughter house.
Why can't we do that with dogs? China does it, Korea, Vietnam. We eat fish and keep them as pets. Where did the distinction come from?
I know, they're cute, blah blah blah, but once they get to a certain age you start feeling bad for them anyway. Might as well fatten them up and teach Rover one last trick-Rotisserie.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

An Indoor Stroll

Have you ever considered where the idea for treadmills and stationary bikes came from? These are machines that have true counterparts such as running and biking, but that wasn't good enough. People need to be indoors, people need to have television, and it's hard to be surprised on a non-existent outdoor path in the gym.
But that wasn't good enough. People need to put one of those in their house. You don't even need to get dressed to go for a stroll while watching your favorite movie. We are somehow making ourselves lazyfit, or healthydumb...either way, it's impressive.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It's coming back

Over the last 10 years or so it seems that all of the fashion trends are getting together and having an orgy. I didn't understand the emo guys dressing like girls thing, but now we have generations of fashion coming back and hooking up.
Oddly, I'm not complaining. I like the idea of bringing the weird crap from the 80's back and trying to slam it into a outfit that was released yesterday.
I'm just waiting for the clear/luminescent female wear. It's coming, how do we just jump to it?
That and I wouldn't mind somebody coming up with something more awesome than a poncho. Try it, more difficult than you think.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Class It Up

Remember all those old school pictures with the fancy pants wearing the white wigs? They were originally intended to stop and prevent the spread of lice but damn they looked good.
What would it take to make those popular again? Can we just convince a few celebrities to start wearing them around, perhaps with some bloomers and light face makeup?
I'm going to vote for Beiber and Bruce Willis. Let's cover as many genres as possible and gets those wigs crankin!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


We've gone too far with the whole lol thing.
Writing lol in a text or in a digital conversation makes sense because the other person now knows, 'oh they enjoyed my joke, good'. But to go on and say LMAO, that takes it a little bit further but ok, it was really funny. I get it. That is something people say in person. 'Yea it was so funny I laughed my ass off' Ok.
Then someone decided to move on to ROTFLMAO(rolling on the floor laughing my ass off) and even longer more ridiculous acronyms.
No. Bad  Internet user. Bad. No!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Hey we get it with the guns...shut up.

I don't do the serious talk much, but lets all take a second and pull our heads out of our asses where this gun control "debate" has gone.

Does the government want to take away your guns? NO
Is it a horrible idea to make people wait more than 10 minutes to purchase a gun? NO

With that said, I own multiple guns for both sport shooting and hunting.

Now...for the sake of the psychos out there that are screaming that they're coming for the guns. Take a tick and think about that for a second. Who's going to take them? Seriously, I'll wait, give it a tinker of thought.....

...figured it out yet? That's right, no one. "They'll send the army" -Are you completely stupid? 90% of soldiers own personal guns. None of them are going to give up theirs which means they won't be coming for yours.

Ok, now we can set that aside and move back into reality. No one has mentioned retracting the second amendment, only updating the checks and balances for buying a gun. Kind of like when you buy a car, or house, or get a drivers license or credit card, adopt a child, apply for college, get a job, rent a car, or board a plane. Nothing insane, nothing we're not used to doing.
Comparing the democratic party to a tyranny is not only ridiculous it makes you sound like a stupid person. Saying that this is how Hitler or Stalin got into power surprises me that you can remember where you live when you leave work at the Concussion Center for Helmet Testing. Spewing ridiculous and idiotic drivel that has no factual bias is just bullshit and it makes people hate you.
So for the love of everything holy...shut up.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Leaning Tower of Poo

When you flush your toilet there is a 4" PVC pipe that carries the contents down under your house at a slight angle to a main line usually 8" to a foot wide. With that in mind, the reason your toilet backs up is because you shove so much paper down there that it blocks the tube, that or you ate at the all you can eat buffet and just wrecked your friends bathroom at their Christmas party.
Moving on, what happens when you have a hotel 60 stories high?
All those people taking fancy whiskey dumps in the morning and eventually your going to get the perfect shit storm. Imagine a ball of tissue and excrement stuck in a tube 40 stories up, and instead of new entries pushing it down, they just stack up on top of the clog. Now you have a pressure situation. Eventually that thing is going to blow back and someones wall is going to explode in a shit tornado into their bed.
Or maybe this never happens. Sweet Dreams!