Monday, September 30, 2013

Super Friends

I heard someone say they don't like a lot of people so if you're on their list you're a lucky man.
What? You're a lucky person to be liked by someone that hates everyone? How many people actually enjoy this fucks company?
Then I realized I've said something like that before; I hate the majority of the human race so if I like you that should say something. Does it? Does it say that you're just more awesome than the rest of the population? Or does it say that we suck on roughly the same level and we can hang out shitting on the people below and spewing vomit on those above?

Friday, September 27, 2013

Liquid Diet

I read that Victoria Secret models usually switch to a liquid diet one week before their runway and photo events.
Take a minute and imagine those gorgeous women in the crazy angel wings, sipping cold protein drinks and banana smoothies. Now think of them the night before, just spewing a hot liquid from their bowels. Painful anal angry. Shooting out at a speed that sets off the neighbors car alarms.'s all worth it.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Jump, Watch Out, Shoot That!

When I was a kid, I would sit in a room with my brothers and friends and play video games together.
It started out simple enough, taking turns playing basic, simple games. Then it evolved into watching a story evolve, discussing the aspects of puzzle and horror games. Obviously we weren't the only ones to do this.
Somewhere along the way, as the internet developed, someone decided that they would record themselves playing games and splatter them across the web. How lazy have people gotten that they won't call their friends, or even play the games themselves? People are going to the internet for social porn.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


How long did it take for people to start lying to each other?
Did the first human being crawl out of the muck and immediately boast of accomplishments he had yet to master?
How about the first backstabber? How long did it take humans to evolve to the point of developing plans in order to reap benefit from others?
How long did it take for us to get interesting?

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Oh Mai Gawd!

Who the fuck taught these Internet cats to spell?
Either all of the cats in the world are slightly retarded or they have a never mind. That's it.
All cats are slightly retarded.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The Most Talked About Event of the Year!!!!

How is every damn show on TV the most talked about event of the year? There were literally three commercials in a row that claimed that they were sponsoring the most talked about event.
How is there no containment on straight up bullshit advertising? Somehow we've reverted back to buying from snake oil salesmen.
I think if someone comes out with a completely and obvious false advertisement, the CEO of the advertising company and the executives that "OK'ed" the add should be tied to the back of a car, lit on fire, and dragged through the streets of our major cities as an example.

We can then advertise the car, the chain, and the kerosene used for the event to show future advertisers that it can be done right.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Why Are They Together?

In the store I hear two guys talking about a couple that is shopping in the aisle ahead of us.
"Why the hell is that chick with that guy? She's hot as hell."
Let me tell you why sonny boy. That ugly dude worked his balls off and charmed his way into that chicks heart and pants. On top of that, who's to say that the hot female is not a hot bitch? She could have a personality like a sewer drain and that ugly guy can accept that as long as he gets to look at her.
There are a lot of ifs, like, if you weren't busy playing grab ass with your friend in the grocery store maybe you could put a little bit of time into your own personal life.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

What the Fila?

In the past Chick-Fil-A has gotten some press due to their stance on homosexuality.
Yesterday three middle aged men were standing in front of the restaurant at lunch rush hour with large crosses tied together with American flags. What? This can go both ways, let's go over them:

Pro Fil-A: Maybe they are saying that they agree with the business' stance on homosexuality. And how better to do it than with a Christian symbol that in theory supports everyone under a God that is all understanding and forgiving. Or under the American flag which in it's first moments stated that "All men are created equal..." (I understand the hypocrisy there, but stick with me.) A nation that in the last decade has given more rights to the homosexual community than ever in history.

Anti Fil-A: Perhaps these people are taking a stand against a company that has openly stated that they do not support anyone who isn't a heterosexual, and the best way to do that is to wave a flag from a nation that still refuses and fights from giving equal rights homosexuality. Also why not attach it to a Christian symbol that usually denies homosexuality in their vast congregations, and has declared it a sin.

If you want to protest/support anything, think it through at least a tiny bit. This world is so full of extremist shit birds that they don't even care that they're not making sense anymore.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

What's the Rush?

Twice today I have been sitting at a red light while the car next to me inches forward every couple seconds. Eventually the guy is hanging out in the middle of the damn road. What's so important that you can't wait 30 seconds for the light to change?
Not only that, this asshole is now blocking the intersection and when the light finally turns green he doesn't go because he's too busy playing candy crush or some shit on his cell phone and everyone laps his ass. Next time he needs to inch into a rushing river.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Bad Dog

Why do they make dog toys that look like things that I don't want my dog to eat? If I give my dog a toy that looks like a shoe then he thinks my shoes are fair game. No!
Why can't they make a toy that resembles the Kardashian family or Jimmy Falon?  Teach that dog what really needs biting.