Monday, December 1, 2014

How Many Licks?

Somehow I saw the old school tootsie roll commercial again, and something about it stood out.
Yes there was still that asshole owl that ate the kid's candy, but there were other things. A random kid walking around in the woods talking to cows, foxes, turtles and owl? What mushrooms was he licking before he decided to talk to these animals? And why the hell isn't he wearing any clothes? And why is the fox wearing sunglasses? And if the owl is a professor why is he still wearing his hat from graduation?
Seems to me that somewhere along the way, the kid decided to take bath salts and offer "animals" his "tootsie pop", he got turned down quite a few times, until he found that old professor. Yes, he was very willing to help him with his licking problem. Smart owls know when an opportunity is staring them in the eye.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I Love My TV

I'm a pretty open minded guy, no that's not really true, I'm a caveman.
Being a caveman, you would think I love to be outside. No, no I do not. If there is a pool available, or some sort of communal activity that involves sunshine and drinking, I'll be there. Camping is confusing to me. I'll explain.

We, the royal WE, the human race created things like AC units, carpet, insulation, thermal cook microwaves and water heaters, there are even people with heated toilet seats. What part of the brain says that it's cool to spend all that money on expensive stuff for entertainment and comfort, but to leave it all behind and go spend a weekend in the woods. The woods without electricity or functional toilets, or the Internet.
I understand the getting in touch with nature piece, go look at a flower, takes a couple minutes then you can be back on the couch eating Cheetos in no time.
There is the piece(mostly in men) that says, "Me can survive. Me strong. I can do it with my hands." Being a man, I get that part too. Go canoeing, prove that you're a God on the rapids, then go take a hot shower and order some faux Italian pizza and have it delivered to your door while you sip an ice cold chocolate milk in your underwear.

I say enjoy all these technical marvels while you can. We can camp when the zombies come.

Friday, October 10, 2014

I Want a Makeover!

Spending a little time at the local mall I got a chance to stroll through one of the makeup counters. Every counter had multiple salespeople offering makeovers to women of all ages, from trying various makeups and wrinkle creams to sitting down and getting your makeup done. Many women and girls passed on the free makeovers even if they were buying the products offered.

Why don't they have something like this at the mall for men? Maybe a craft beer counter, when you can sit down and try all 14 crafts beers to make your choice just a little easier. Perhaps a meat counter, where you try a variety of meats with different rubs and branded sauces? How about a gun counter where you can try out any handgun you want to find the perfect fit? Come on malls, where's your sense of adventure? The guys are there bored off their asses, you just need to cater.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Jewish Black Asian Hispanic People

I leave the TV on in the background pretty much all day. With that in mind, I tend to hear and occasionally see the same commercials over and over. One that caught my attention was the new blackpeoplemeet website advertisement. Originally I thought it was odd because the way they were advertising their product was by showing two people bumping into each other at a grocery store. If you can do that why the hell would I pay for your service?
Then I considered, how pissed would people get if there was a whitepeoplemeet website. With a little research not only did I discover that everyone thinks that the black dating site is simply segregating for the sole point of segregating, but that THERE IS a whitepeoplemeet web site.Racist, definitely, worth a look, oh yea.
If you're like me and just enjoy seeing people make complete asses of themselves, check out one of these websites. There is actually a guy on the front page of whitepeoplemeet right now wearing old German military fatigues. Delightful.So I decided to look at a few more of the odd ones to let you know what you're missing.

Ashley Madison-A site dedicated to married people looking to hook up. Wanna get caught in your affair real quick? Post your picture online declaring that you're looking for some strange.

Women Behind Bars-connects you to a woman in jail to chat with. Someday maybe you can rob a liquor store together.

Pot partner-Wanna get high and consider banging before we fall asleep...mmm pizza...

Tall Friend-Yup, a dating site just for tall peoples, no shorties allowed.

Trek Passions-Only for the uber nerdy, specifically for those with a passion for Star Trek or Star Wars.

last but definitely not least-

Daily Diapers-That's right, you know you want to dress up like a baby and have someone change, spank, feed, and bathe you. This sight is for anyone who wants to relive the baby years, and for someone who just really wants to spank adults in diapers apparently.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Why Watch?

There is a disturbance in the televised entertainment universe.
Men (obviously I can speak to that on a better level) enjoy watching kick ass guys and hot girls do kick ass things. It's a testosterone driven sex fest. Even with horror or supernatural movies, it seems that guys are proving to themselves that we're so damn manly, we can sit through a horror movie without spoiling our panties.
Women on the other hand make choices that I have tried to understand, but still fail miserably. They want to watch movies that make them sad and cry, which seems like a horrible decision. Or shows about ignorant pompous "real" people that make them angry/jealous/and sometimes laugh at their insanity. Mix in there a little bit of the romantic stuff, that is the mirror image of a guy's macho movie: take the formula and repeat with new actors/special effects/minor plot twists/animal/aliens/etc.

So let's roll this out men, watch shit that gets their testosterone up and puff the chest out. Idiotic, but since I fall in that class and I just watched Commando-SHUT UP, WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?!?!

Women watch things that make them cry, hate men in general, and wish that they had the life of the Think You Can Model Idol 2: Romance in the Caribbean.

Solution: Obviously you could burn your television, but then what would you watch porn on? Plan B: Watch a chick flick and action movie simultaneously. Yea, she may cry while he's screaming in a testosterone filled rage, but there's always the chance for make up sex away from your imaginary friends.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Red Handled Cleaver

I once had a cleaver with a red handle grip,
Its blade was so shiny with a sharp pointy tip.
Forever estranged in a world worth slicing,
With no blade in hand, it's so less enticing.
Where have you gone, my red handled cleaver,
To find a new home and cut out the fever?
We had some good times, when you were shiny and new,
You sliced through it all, even bone and sinew.
I hope that you find a hand made for dicing,
Perhaps you can teach it about people slicing.
Tell them stories about days from the past,
How we sliced that poor hobo, how he was our last.
I wish you the best, oh red handled blade,
Our time was short, but with bodies we paved.
Gone from me now, without even farewell,
I think I'll head to the mall, to the cutlery sale.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014


I don't care about sports, of any kind. That being said, I will attend sports functions, usually under the bribe of alcohol. Given how far they can go with mascots and events at arenas it seems like they are missing a vital piece to wrap in those slightly less sporty folk. If your team is the Vikings, why wouldn't you have a slew of people dressed up in Nordic wear screaming at people and pounding beer?
Better yet, why not name a professional team the Zombies, and everyone in the stadium can dress up?
Serve some tangy red sauce on everything. Pour the beer into plastic versions of melee weapons. And whenever someone scores have an entire group of zombies chase them around the stadium.
I would get watch that team.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Sleep Through That

The human body is an amazing thing. People are able to ignore one thing while getting completely caught up in another. Some get thrown off guard by the tiniest things, while another is able to totally ignore the event. Then there are people that can sleep through almost anything. Movies at full volume, video games-literally world war three. Then there is that tiny thing. For example: a man snoring. How can a woman sleep through explosions, demons screaming, and zombies eating people alive; but one little snort and she is completely conscious? The human body is weird, and it keeps some people up at least one lady.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Pray for Arkansas

There are an influx of people that change their Facebook profile pictures, or post little twitter prayers about people that are afflicted by natural disasters. Beside those are people begging for prayers for sick children, people going into surgery, lost kids, murder victims...dogs with a cough, headaches, a stubbed toe etc.
The internal view, we as the human race, seems to have these days is getting worse. Don't change your little Facebook profile to let all your friends know that you're so great that you can pray. Get in your car, drive to Mayflower and do something about it. When you take a second and think about it, those prayers are wasted anyway. God's the one that did this.

Friday, April 18, 2014

It's Feeling A Lot Like Summer

Warm weather is coming back people. We all know what that means! Girls in bikinis, bros with popped collars, and getting separated from your friends in the woods and having your legs cut off with a chainsaw!
That's right kids, summer massacres are back and better than ever! Book that trip to the beach, cash in on that groupon for the lakeside cabin for 4, fly to a foreign land and stay in a hostel with strangers that suck on pennies!
And don't forget; Lowe's is offering low interest credit for 84 months. Chainsaws, hedge clippers, chains, shovels, tarps, power drills, bolt cutters, all on credit, fantastic! That gives you 7 full years to hide the bodies, or eat them. Why not put some of that credit to a stand up freezer, then make a game of seeing how many severed limbs will fit before it turns into Jenga?
Let 2014 be your summer of adventure!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Sleepy Time

As kids, sleepovers were a planned night of fun. Play video games until the AM, watch movies, run around the neighborhood.  A great excuse to do dumb crap with friends. Then the next morning consisted of breakfast, usually unnecessary amounts of sugar and more video games.
Sleep overs still happen, we just don't call them sleep overs anymore. Instead of planned events, we end up having unscheduled socially responsible sleep overs. It doesn't have to do with staying up all night, it has to do with the entire world spinning, and not getting a DUI. The mornings aren't about breakfast as much as getting as many Tylenol and coffee's into your body as fast as possible.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Bumper Your Face!

Bumper stickers really don't have a purpose. I get the one's that are for a band, or a school. I went to Crofford Community College skipadee-dee! (Lucky you, I decided not to copy right skipadee-dee and you are now allowed to shout it at all parties and gatherings going forward). Then there are the bumper stickers about politics and religion that are pretty much people just waiting for their car to get keyed. Or the ones that have "clever" saying, like Fish or Die, I'm only Speeding because I have to Poop, or Jesus Loves You, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. Good, great, glad you could share all of that with the world.
I've noticed that when I'm behind someone in traffic and I'm angry(side note, I'm always on the verge of murdering innocents when in traffic) I see these bumper stickers and alter them to levels of pain.
For Example:
-Fish or Die: Oh, you're right about die part you piece of shit, the light's GREEN!
-I'm only Speeding because I have to Poop: Oh really? That's hilarious, because if you don't turn of your blinker I'm going to shit down your throat!
-Jesus Loves You, but everyone else thinks your an asshole: I swear to Jesus, if you don't stop texting, I'm going to smash into you, light your car on fire, and pray to God that you feel the contents of your stomach boil before you die.

And always a winner, if they have a handicap sticker-"Oh, I'm gonna make you handicapped if you don't get your damn foot off the break!"

Isn't society lovely.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

My Reader is the Best!

Which do you prefer, the iPad, the Nook, Kindle, Jetbook, Icarus, Kobo, or any of the other hundred options of electronic readers? This one has a longer battery life, but it gets really bad glare. You can read this one in the sun, but it doesn't show anything in color. Blah blah blah, bitch bitch bitch.
You know the best way to read? It's a book. No glare, no battery life. Pure and simple.
Don't over think everything.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Michael J Fox Knows How to Please a Lady

Getting old isn't fun. It's pretty rare that you hear people past the age of 21 talking about how they only wish they were a little older. Unless of course they're half a step away from getting their senior discount card. I've decided that even though we're all going to get old and most likely acquire some horrible debilitating disease along the road to death there are still a few things to look forward to.

-Meeting new people-Once you get Alzheimer's everyone is new. Even better if you've been married for 50 years. You can slam that old wrinkly spouse of yours for the very first time, every time!

-Everything is new-Memory dissipates. The human brain cleans itself of useless memories and the older you get the more things you can forget. Remember how much you loved the ending of that movie? Of course you don't! Watch it again and gasp in shock as the protagonist does their thing. Then watch it again in an hour!

-Get it on-Parkinson's is far from fun, but work with what you've got. Eat half a steak then shake the rest onto the floor. The restaurant will feel so bad for you, they'll give you a new one at no charge!
While you've got the shakes, hop on your old lady, you've become a human vibrator, you're wife will be happier than ever!

See, getting old can be fun, just make sure you push the limits on those closest to you. And yell at kids. They'll ruin your lawn.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Compact Cruisin'

Why is it that when people are in parking lots, all rules of driving go out the window?
One way lanes turn into free for-alls, and people drive through spots to go in the wrong direction, then get pissed when you're in their way.
Pedestrian crossings somehow hold up until dark, then if you're in the thoroughfare you're fucked.
I'm sure something could be done about this, be it a security force with rubber bullets being dispatched to dent up
your car when you decide to drive like an asshole. Or we could always let it break down to street justice.
Parking lots could take a cue from The Purge, and when you park across two parking spots like an asshole, someone can hit your SUV with a flamethrower.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Cover Model

Waiting in line to buy a new chainsaw blade and handcuffs I hear some kids talking about the cover models on the magazines. "She's fuckin hot bro."
No shit bro. That's their job, to be attractive. LITERALLY. Models get paid to be appealing. Otherwise everyone would be a model; soft bellies, pock marks, shitty haircuts and all.
However, the more I think about it, there is a lot of pressure to become good looking these days. You've got thousands of different outlets of clothing and chemical aids, be it make up, lotion, or just shampoo.
In fact there are more options for weight loss and self perfection now than ever before: liposuction, plastic surgery, diet pills, home meal replacement plans, or good old fashion anorexia.
Pretty soon the magazine companies are going to have to pay people to stay plain, that way their models still fit that bar of above average. Thank you science!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Party Down South

There is a show on CMT called Party Down South. This show is essentially about drunk rednecks banging and fighting. This is what television has become.
I bitch a lot about TV these days, which may mean that I'm turning into a cynical old man, or that the bottom of the barrel has been scraped through into the sex/violence/idiot muck that the bucket had been sitting on.
Either way, if I want to watch drunken hillbillies get in a pissing contest over a big titted blond with the clap, I'll go to Applebee's.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Super Proposal

Once a week or so a new video appears where some dude with a lot of time on his hands creates an extra elaborate way to propose to his girlfriend. This has somehow expanded out into guys asking their dates to prom. Whether it's a choreographed dance off or shooting out of a cannon, guys are going above and beyond. I get it, extreme show of love and all that; but with a divorce rate of 54% these guys are setting themselves up for failure.
Say you convince all of your friends to get together and schedule a flash mob to propose, then said flash mob is recorded and put on you tube. After however many months or years, you get divorced. Not only are your friends not going to be interested in learning a new dance for your next girl, but if she's seen your previous you tube video, you're in deep shit. How are you going to top the first proposal? Then say you do top it. Divorce rates for second marriages are 10% higher! You're just deeper in the hole.
And what about those girls that get asked to prom with a fake arrest? How does their new man follow that? What if he doesn't know? Then you have the girl thinking about how lame his proposal was compared to that kid in high school.
I think Van Gogh had it right, if you dig her, cut something off. That'll make you at least think twice about working it out.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Apocalyptic Orgasmatron

An apocalypse is coming. It may be nukes, it may be famine, I can only hope it's zombies. Either way, men are going to rule the world. This has nothing to do with strength or intelligence. Women are often smarter than men, and more physically operational. Men will take over the world due to the orgasm.
When the world is destroyed and humans become nomadic stragglers; power will separate societies. You know what powers vibrators? Batteries. Men, they don't need vibrators. They can travel the planet wankin' it all day and all night. But women, they will run out the juice on their rabbits, their thrusters, nipple toys, and vibrating underwear. In the end, women will have to submit to the power, of power; or man flesh. 
We don't want to take the power from you, we want to empower you. So by all means, imagine me as a rabbit, a thruster, a nipple toy...because in the end; we were the original, and if you don't, we always have Lucy Lefty. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Children Sociopaths

In a single sitting of television I've seen a massive amount adds for shows that take shits on kids. Shows like Sixteen and Pregnant, Dance Moms, Friday Night Tykes, Honey Boo Boo, I could go on all day. It's pretty much a given that any child involved in these shows will grow up twisted. It will be even worse when they look back at how they were played off as a joke, or watch how their parents and a series of adults treated them as instruments of their 15 minutes, not as children.
Then there is the rest of the human race. An entire generation of children watching this crap along with gems like Jersey Shore, My Super Sweet 16, The Real Housewives of wherever, My Cat From Hell, Man vs Food, Celebrity Apprentice...shows that express no genuine or original thought. Shows that actually reward people for being assholes.
How do you save the children you ask? Lead by example, unplug that television, take it outside, and brain the nearest reality star with it.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Taco Bell Wishes and Drunken Dreams

There is a study out there somewhere about the effects of any drug and sleep patterns, specifically dreaming. Mostly it discusses the fact that if you are impaired, you're probability of fucked up dreams increases dramatically. That and most likely you've been eating horrible food because your drunk or high or whatever and that makes people crave tacos and Mountain Dew.
I didn't eat anything weird last night, but I did enjoy a few vodkas before hitting the hay. In my dream I was drunk, not just drunk, shitfaced. Somehow my body took a part of how I should be feeling and twisted it into my dream.
The most solid memory of said dream was me talking to my brother about a drinking contest, and that if he lost I got to cut his hair. More specifically, "I'm gonna put you pigtails in it."
When I woke I had to write this quote down because in the dream it was the funniest thing anyone had ever heard.

The moral of the story is to take shots before bed, and get ready for the funny.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

School Uniforms

Most school uniforms are formal wear, unless of course you're a christian school girl in which case your uniform has all sorts of implications. Why haven't schools taken to dressing kids in cowboy boots with ten gallon hats? I know it can get hot out on the playground and those brims could save some precious sunburns. Maybe women could wear sarees and men some sherwani, traditional Indian dress. Cool for the summer and throw on a lamb skin coat during the winter.
If nothing else lets at least get one school in this country that requires kids to dress as super heroes three days out of the week.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Oh I NEED That!

There is a new series of commercials by Expedia that show follow people throughout the day being sent reminders by Expedia for things like "Depart in 2 hours" or "Terminal 3" or "Baggage Claim 5".
What? That's magical! How did we ever travel before? How could I ever know that I was supposed to leave for the airport today if I wasn't sent an alert? How did people know which gate to go to? It's not written on the ticket is it? It is?!?! Holy shit! You mean if you look down at the ticket that you've had for days then it tells you exactly where to go at what time? And if you pay attention when getting off the plane, or are able to read then you know which baggage claim to go to?
How does anyone know when to take a shit anymore without a automated message?

PS: You need to take a shit.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Fuckety Fuckin' Fuck Fuck

Cursing is fun. Swearing, cursing, bad words, potty language(which really means shit talk) is just delightful. Not only do you get your point across when cursing, but you get that extra UMPH! Cursing is emphasis at it’s finest. For example:

I was almost struck by a vehicle!

Some asshole almost hit me with his fuckin' truck!

Cursing gives it that extra little bit of goodness.
Look at it this way, today's cursing is MUCH better than the old curses. It used to be a vivid hatred and hope for pain and agony against the party cursed. For example:

"A plague on both your houses."

I prefer someone telling me to eat a dick rather than them avidly hoping that my family dies of disease.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Big Foot Up Your Ass

Scrolling through the channels last night I was amazed at how many shows were dedicated to finding and capturing creatures like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster. Some people dedicate their entire lives to "finding" the creatures(or at least selling themselves doing so on television). Lucky for us there are hundreds of different documentaries on how these super bad ass hunters have tracked and filmed and sampled and recorded these creatures.
Stop it.
Maybe 70 years ago people would have given you the time of day. In today's media and intelligence era there is no way anyone with a scrap of brain isn't going to tell you to fuck off.
However. If you are one of those people that are interested in taking a peek at one of the magnificent legends...come by my house and for the small fee of $99.99 I will prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that I found the elusive Frosty the Snowman...concessions are open until 9:00.