Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Take if from the Kids

Who do you take advice from?
As an adult, I try to take advice from people that know what they're talking about. Medical consulting from doctors, auto advice from mechanics, and drink suggestions from bartenders. Recently it seems, companies seem to have forgotten where and from who to get and give advice. There are an awful lot of new commercials were kids are giving advice. A child discussing who you should get your insurance from, or a baby telling you how to trade your stocks, or an entire group of kids telling you where to buy your chicken nuggets.
At what point in time did these companies decide that their customers would rather get advice from children with no real world experience than professionals? Even an actor that portrays a person that has been through an experience seems better than a child. There is nothing in a child's portrayal that gives me the illusion that they have actually spent hours browsing insurance companies.
With that said, I wouldn't be against some classes that would make kids more self sufficient. If we want to get kids to that point, lets do it fast. Let's teach them all Microsoft Office so they can do our taxes, and when they're done with that, they can run down to the liquor store and pick out the finest whiskey for mommy and daddy.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Shower Boogy

Reviewing some of the popular dances over the years, I notice that a lot of them are based on something else: The Sprinkler, Milking the Big Cow, The Shopping Cart, Window Wiper.
Then there are the kinds that just describe what you're doing: Pop and Lock, Moon Walk.
There are also songs that tell you what to do, such as the Hokey Pokey, Line Dancing, cha cha slide, and cupid shuffle.
Using that formula, I've come up with the next new hit. You're welcome.

The Shower Boogy-Set to country 2 step
(Act out each line in time with the music)

Pull back the curtain, now step right in.
Turn on the water, let it wet your skin.
Grab the soap, and lather your hand.
Spit in the drain, that's how it's planned.
Brush those pits, get them primed,
Belly button too, make it shine.
Get those toes and behind the ears,
One place left that everyone fears,
Spread those cheeks and scrub the hole,
That's how you do the shower boogy bowl.

It's the shower, boogy, bowl.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Yuletide Oppression

Santa runs the North Pole with his friendly elves creating toys for all the good little boys and girls. Some say Santa is an elf himself, but if he's an elf he's a damn big one. That doesn't really make sense does it? Unless of course he got into some of Bane's Venom.
So if Santa started taking massive amounts of steroids in order to become the king of the elves, then he has them make toys for kids? Sounds like a front to me, powered on slave labor. Maybe the adults of this world that have received the toys created from elves sweat and blood owe a little something to the slave workers of our childhood...
For only pennies a day, you could supply an elf with enough steroids to bulk up and help topple their yuletide captors, nine months could change a life time of oppression. These poor elves suffer under unfit working condition and freezing temperatures with only long socks to protect their legs from the bitter cold.
Won't you help...

Monday, February 2, 2015

Age Old Screen Names

There was a time when chatting with strangers on the internet fell into fairly unregulated categories, mostly horny teenagers and lonely adults. Screen names were usually hatched in a 20 second binge using a variety of key words that were sure to draw in the desirable conversationalists: Gamer, Doggy, Skater, GuitarMan, Hott, XXX, etc.
The other part that came to be rather quickly was adding numbers to the screen name, because how in the world could somebody else get to the name FriskyMick first? Maybe you could be FriskyMick2, or spice it up and be FriskyMick69. When that didn't work you could go with your birthday, or year of birth, get it out there that you are in fact FriskyMick21, or FriskyMick94 a young stud named Mick.
On the other hand, if you were spry and felt like trying to get some pics from a young promiscuous stranger maybe you use FriskyMick34, for the year you were born. Coast those middle aged chat rooms looking for the perfect combination of lonely and drunk. Letting your fingers drag across the keys, making references to TV
shows from the 50's, but people think you're eccentric not old. Lean back and wait for the pictures to process, one pixel at a time. Try and stay awake through that 10 minute download.