Friday, May 31, 2013

Juice Me!!

What happens to people when they get into an airport? The second they clear security it seems that everyone is scrounging for an outlet even though no one has even touched their phone or laptop yet. As soon as you're on the plane you have to turn your crap off for a while anyway. I understand wanting to listen to music or watching a movie but you can't call anyone or use the Internet. Haven't these people heard of a book or magazine? I don't need sixteen overweight business men breathing down my taint because they forgot to charge their phone last night.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Scary Number 2

I've noticed that while taking a duke I am incredibly vulnerable. Does anyone attack people while they're taking a shit? It seems like the best time to grab a new pair of shoes off of an unsuspecting victim or procuring a fresh laptop while someone takes a squat at the airport. Having to decide to pull up your pants or wipe would turn your reaction time to crap.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Don't Die on me Bro

Thousands of people die everyday. Usually we don't see this happen because of the amount that die in hospitals or at home. But every now and then someone dies in a supermarket of a heart attack or anal trauma. We know that when you die you lose control of your bowels, that's usually a pretty good indicator that the guy didn't just pass out in his soup. But what if it was something much more...definitive? Someday in the future I'm sure they'll come up with something. I'm hoping that they can make it so that your appendages fall off and flap around the room like dying fish. I want to know when the guy sleeping at the bus stop is really sleeping, and that seems like a pretty good indicator.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

It's Coming

There is a house in my neighborhood that has bars on the windows.  No other house has any defensive measures aside from the occasional alarm system. Someone said that they think it's because they used to live in a big city and that was just the thing, everyone has bars on their windows. Someone else said that they may have a kid in that room that got caught sneaking out. But I know the truth, they're ready...something's coming, maybe not today or fifty years from now but damn it, they're ready.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Who in Their Right Mind...

I hear this all the time and have to wonder why this saying even exists. Lately I heard someone refer to space travel and ,"Who in their right mind would go somewhere they can't breath?" Well to answer your question there are thousands of people who would do that, who are intelligent, who are in their right mind. "Who in their right mind would put holes in their body?" Lady, I can see that you are wearing earrings...are you kidding me? Shut it. Just remember that if you are going to berate someone else's choices that there is a whole ass load of dumb or unexplained shit you've done over the years.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Shit Sandwich

There's something unsettling about eating on the can. It's because there is some form of excrement in the room. The smell doesn't entice hunger, a delicious meatball sub just loses a little bit of that savory factor when the only thing on your mind is that you forget to turn the shitter fan on.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Last Call

How many people had to fall off of bar stools before they decided to put backs on them? None of the stools in my house have backs and on the drinking weekends these things become lethal hazards. Not only that but the shower curtain seems to never support any one's body weight. Then in the AM people begin tripping over invisible animals and walls pop out of no where. It's a mad house.