Thursday, January 31, 2013

Toilet Rain

More often than not when in a bar bathroom I see guys using the urinal and spitting downward. I cannot and will not do this. I have a fear of spitting on the top of my dick, and it seems like that would just piss my penis off. He's mad at me enough as it is.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Not that Leaf!

I wonder who decided on the practice of toilet paper. You know at some point there was that one guy or gal in the river who said to themselves, 'I would love to do this in a closet in my house'. The only problem was there's no running water in the closet, so what's a guy who just ate an entire goat to do? Ah yes, a bucket, and look an old shroud, but I can't smear up all my shrouds, lets use something growing from outside, or a fuzzy animal.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


War sucks. No doubt about that, I'm not going to talk about war. I'm interested in the crazy shit that we've made for war.
Bombs are the new tank but think about tanks for a second. This is a weapon created to drive into the heat of battle and tear shit up. How are we going to come up with something more hard core than that? The Apache helicopter you say? Touche. Another devastating creation. Flying smoking death to the battlefield.
What are we going to do next?
Is there any chance we get some Terminators up and running? Maybe robot dogs that breathe fire? I'm open to suggestion. I just want us to get there. We've got the 'kick every things ass" weapons. Now lets mix that with something that will make people literally shit their pants when they see it coming their way.

Friday, January 25, 2013

A New Shooter

As prices on everything go up I think we need to look back through history and find a suitable replacement for our guns. My vote is for a redesigned blunderbuss. Not a cool sleek one, but a fat piece of shit that can shoot anything you shove into it out at top speeds. Maybe you could have a couple models, one that shoots old hotwheels cans, and another made specifically to be filled with items from the flea market. At the very least when you shoot a burglar, you can reload with their severed body parts.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Home of the Whopper

What happened along the lines of dining evolution that people decided certain animals shouldn't be eaten? Pets are understandable but some people in the US even eat their pets. People have the pet pig or calf, and then as the animal grows up it eventually goes to the ole slaughter house.
Why can't we do that with dogs? China does it, Korea, Vietnam. We eat fish and keep them as pets. Where did the distinction come from?
I know, they're cute, blah blah blah, but once they get to a certain age you start feeling bad for them anyway. Might as well fatten them up and teach Rover one last trick-Rotisserie.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

An Indoor Stroll

Have you ever considered where the idea for treadmills and stationary bikes came from? These are machines that have true counterparts such as running and biking, but that wasn't good enough. People need to be indoors, people need to have television, and it's hard to be surprised on a non-existent outdoor path in the gym.
But that wasn't good enough. People need to put one of those in their house. You don't even need to get dressed to go for a stroll while watching your favorite movie. We are somehow making ourselves lazyfit, or healthydumb...either way, it's impressive.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It's coming back

Over the last 10 years or so it seems that all of the fashion trends are getting together and having an orgy. I didn't understand the emo guys dressing like girls thing, but now we have generations of fashion coming back and hooking up.
Oddly, I'm not complaining. I like the idea of bringing the weird crap from the 80's back and trying to slam it into a outfit that was released yesterday.
I'm just waiting for the clear/luminescent female wear. It's coming, how do we just jump to it?
That and I wouldn't mind somebody coming up with something more awesome than a poncho. Try it, more difficult than you think.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Class It Up

Remember all those old school pictures with the fancy pants wearing the white wigs? They were originally intended to stop and prevent the spread of lice but damn they looked good.
What would it take to make those popular again? Can we just convince a few celebrities to start wearing them around, perhaps with some bloomers and light face makeup?
I'm going to vote for Beiber and Bruce Willis. Let's cover as many genres as possible and gets those wigs crankin!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


We've gone too far with the whole lol thing.
Writing lol in a text or in a digital conversation makes sense because the other person now knows, 'oh they enjoyed my joke, good'. But to go on and say LMAO, that takes it a little bit further but ok, it was really funny. I get it. That is something people say in person. 'Yea it was so funny I laughed my ass off' Ok.
Then someone decided to move on to ROTFLMAO(rolling on the floor laughing my ass off) and even longer more ridiculous acronyms.
No. Bad  Internet user. Bad. No!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Hey we get it with the guns...shut up.

I don't do the serious talk much, but lets all take a second and pull our heads out of our asses where this gun control "debate" has gone.

Does the government want to take away your guns? NO
Is it a horrible idea to make people wait more than 10 minutes to purchase a gun? NO

With that said, I own multiple guns for both sport shooting and hunting.

Now...for the sake of the psychos out there that are screaming that they're coming for the guns. Take a tick and think about that for a second. Who's going to take them? Seriously, I'll wait, give it a tinker of thought.....

...figured it out yet? That's right, no one. "They'll send the army" -Are you completely stupid? 90% of soldiers own personal guns. None of them are going to give up theirs which means they won't be coming for yours.

Ok, now we can set that aside and move back into reality. No one has mentioned retracting the second amendment, only updating the checks and balances for buying a gun. Kind of like when you buy a car, or house, or get a drivers license or credit card, adopt a child, apply for college, get a job, rent a car, or board a plane. Nothing insane, nothing we're not used to doing.
Comparing the democratic party to a tyranny is not only ridiculous it makes you sound like a stupid person. Saying that this is how Hitler or Stalin got into power surprises me that you can remember where you live when you leave work at the Concussion Center for Helmet Testing. Spewing ridiculous and idiotic drivel that has no factual bias is just bullshit and it makes people hate you.
So for the love of everything holy...shut up.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Leaning Tower of Poo

When you flush your toilet there is a 4" PVC pipe that carries the contents down under your house at a slight angle to a main line usually 8" to a foot wide. With that in mind, the reason your toilet backs up is because you shove so much paper down there that it blocks the tube, that or you ate at the all you can eat buffet and just wrecked your friends bathroom at their Christmas party.
Moving on, what happens when you have a hotel 60 stories high?
All those people taking fancy whiskey dumps in the morning and eventually your going to get the perfect shit storm. Imagine a ball of tissue and excrement stuck in a tube 40 stories up, and instead of new entries pushing it down, they just stack up on top of the clog. Now you have a pressure situation. Eventually that thing is going to blow back and someones wall is going to explode in a shit tornado into their bed.
Or maybe this never happens. Sweet Dreams!