Thursday, August 30, 2012

Puppy Power

We see people everyday that we look at as crazy. Then there are the ones that we actually stand there in the parking lot watching the woman scream at her cat for getting in the front seat of her car while she was inside Walmart. It's these people that force you to stare blatantly with your mouth open that confuse me the most. We see them as batshit nuts, but I wonder if they have any idea of how they look.
Example: I saw a woman this morning at Barnes and Noble carrying a small dog like a baby, no problem there. But she was reading the inside sleeve of books to the dog and then looking at its face as if it was going to have an opinion on the plot of the story.
So the real question is, can this just be a lonely old woman who loves her dog...or, possibly a woman devoted to faith believing that this dog is her reincarnated husband. It's either one of those things, or this crazy bitch thinks the dog can read.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


People have a tendency to shit talk. More than most do it when the person leaves the room, "Man, Darrel is a real dumb piece of shit when it comes to anything not involved with golf." That's not what interests me, it's the way this is almost off limits when the person croaks. Everyone is saying, 'Hey man, respect the dead." Horseshit, they're dead, fuck it. It doesn't hurt when you don't have feelings, in fact, Darrel sucked at golf too, fuck him.
The only oddity is people that were truly pieces of shit. Hitler for example, nobody wants to respect the dead when you're talking about a man responsible for genocide. This example is a little extreme of course.
So next time someone says to have a little respect for the dead, don't worry, they'll die soon and you can talk all the shit about them you want too.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Get Down

I want to know what everyone thought about the first person who decided they were going to dance. It had to look like they were having a seizure that just happened to go in time with the music. Also, in the origin, there weren't sweet moves like the sprinkler or milking the big cow, they just had to make it up as they went along. It had to be a rough start.

Monday, August 27, 2012


Tons of countries still have child labor and wages that are pretty much piss. I wonder if people would still insist on slavery if technology hadn’t advanced so quickly.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Let the bodies hit the curb

Why do we need coroners? I always just assumed that when we created the trash can that the coroner would become obsolete.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


Who decided that four roads coming together now deserves a round-about instead of a stop sign? I have spent more time behind people struggling to go in a small circle than I have spent time in line at the grocery store in my entire life. This is ridiculous. First of all because they are a waste of money and stupid, but more importantly because people seem to have trouble going in a circle. From now on there should be a associate from the DMV seated in the middle of these things and if it takes a person more than 10 seconds to make their way through they should have their tires shot out and licence revoked.

Friday, August 17, 2012


I have decided that there are two types of folks in the world. We are broken down into people and MEople. People are your average man or woman who goes out and doesn’t scream everything at the top of their lungs, but instead fits into modern society without being a douchebag. MEople on the other hand insist on being the center of attention at all times. You know those face book folks that insist on taking a picture in front of their bathroom mirror every 30 seconds so you can see that they flexed slightly different or changed their socks? MEople.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Copy Cat

I love how we’re get pissed about people using other works as a stepping stone (ie. Any band with a grunge sound is a rip off of Nirvana-No shut up fuckwad, someone invented the guitar right?).
Idiots, without stepping stones we would still be in wagons. Oh no, wait we wouldn’t, because wagons were based off chariots; we wouldn’t want to rip of the Romans now would we. There also wouldn’t be little things like electricity, cell phones, televisions, automobiles, airplanes, law, houses, or clothes. Next time you want to call someone a “copy-cat”, remember…someone else came up with that term too fuckball.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

One Fish...Why?

I understand dogs, and even cats to an extreme, even though they are vicious pieces of shit half the time. Fish however make no sense. You can't pet a fish, well I suppose you can if you want to walk around smelling like sour pussy all day. An aquatic pet won't hang out in your lap without dying, or play fetch. So what's the point? The only exception are the big fat fish that can live through eating a piece of pizza and sharks. The only entertainment value you can get from anything else is watching it take a shit.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Safe Text

People keep getting in trouble for "accidentally" texting pictures of themselves in random provocative positions to random people. I say we all take some fancy snapshots of ourselves and send them to everyone.
Yea, I get that not everyone is going to be a star, but I figure one of two things will happen. Either everyone on Earth will take a deep breath and relax, or we will all be propelled into a insane flesh hungry rage that engulfs the planet. Either way, we all win.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Safety First

Warning labels on merchandise are saving too many lives.  We should take a break for about five years and see how many people off themselves.  Those individuals could then be buried in a mass grave labeled the Soylent Green Fund.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Fifty Shades of what?

One would think that as we evolve as a society that certain things would evolve with us. In only ten years we have evolved from fat clunky phones with barely audible service to a computer in your pocket. Even with all of this technology some people still prefer to read their porn. The Internet is packed with free porn, essentially anything you can think of. Why slow down the process with words? Come on ladies, join the evolution...Microsoft can help you flick the bean.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


A nice camp fire can really hit the spot. Those who like to get good and trashed can always build it into a towering inferno. But somewhere along the way there was a delightful person who insisted that flame in itself is not good enough. We need shit to blow up, and shoot flames and make loud explosions that echo through the canyons. With that in mind, someone decided to create fireworks. Good job psychotic Asian (shut up, it's not racist), you did us proud.

I'd Hit It

As a man, of course women confuse me. Why is it that a woman says, “I want to marry that guy, or I want to have his baby”? What they really want to say is, I want that dude inside me. But if a guy says “I want to bang that broad” it’s like slapping someone in the face. What we all need to understand is that we all want to have sex with each other and we need to find a way to live with it.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Top Hats

What happened to the top hat? Lincoln and Slash make that thing look elegant. These days you can’t even find one at a thrift store. We need someone to do for top hats that The Matrix did for trench coats. How did fedoras survive the turn? Silly fedoras.

Friday, August 3, 2012

RE: Shut up

"I hate Obama, I hated Bush." This country has turned into a bunch of teenage girls who got the wrong flavor ice cream. Shut the hell up. It's ice cream. Eat it. Be glad it’s not chocolate covered glass you whiny bitches.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bitchy Politics

People who complain about the president confuse me. I've never heard anyone say, "I can't stand the congress we have right now." No, it's Damn, Obama sucks, or Bush is a retard. Take a step back and pull your head out of your ass. Congress is the majority voting party for all laws and regulations within the country. If you want to bitch about people, bitch about your congressman.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


Why did we ever need skateboards? We have things with wheels on them that move fast, what was the purpose in creating something that moves slowly? Sure, now people can do all sorts of fancy flips and shit on them but that wasn’t the original intent for the boards. That’s like creating a four wheeled bicycle that doesn’t control as well and takes more effort to function than a normal bike. What the hell?