Friday, April 26, 2013

Bring Your Own Whatever...

It seems like we missed the mark with the whole Bring Your Own Beer business. What caused us to say that this was enough? I have no problem with bringing my beverage to a party. That means that someone is gracious enough to throw a shindig and let me get drunk enough to drop a duke in their pool. That's pretty generous of them.
But why stop at beer? What happened to Bring Your Own Scotch/Whiskey/Vodka/Wine/Jager? If I'm coming to a party I'm going to be B. Y. O. V. because obviously the potato is the most delicious vegetable to drink.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Too Careful?

Somewhere along the way people stopped buying insane pets. How did we let this happen? Wouldn't it be fantastic to turn on the news and find out that a close neighbor was eaten by their pet mountain lion? Then discover that fore mentioned mountain lion was loose in the neighborhood hunting down children that are playing in the sprinklers. Then you get to watch as the cops and animal patrol converge in your backyard to put the animal down and pull the screaming child out of its jaws.
By a pal, buy your neighbor a mountain lion.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Get the hell out of Dodge!

Dodge City, Kansas got a bad rap. People have been telling others to get out of there for years, ever since Gunsmoke. Does anyone say, "Let's spend a weekend Dodge!" Poor bastards.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

It's Mine!

You remember back when people didn't get in massive financial law suits about patents?
Of course not, because that hasn't existed in our life time. We will sue the shit out of anyone that even looks like us. We humans are a ridiculous lot.
I'm thinking about patenting the wheel. It's been around forever and I bet no one has ever patented it since it was grandfathered in as just something that exists. Fuck that, I thought of it at some point in time therefore I should be paid, right?
I hope you've liked riding around on all those fancy wheels for so long, pay up sucka!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Six Degrees of.....Whatever

You ever find yourself thinking about something completely normal, and then over a course of random thoughts it has evolved to some strange creature in your brain? Then you stop yourself and go, "What? How the hell did I get here?"
Usually it's based around sex, especially if you're a guy. But there are those other times. How about an example?
Just this afternoon I was thinking about how I needed to take a shirt to the dry cleaners. A few minutes pass and the image in my head is a man suffocating another man and beating him to death with a pipe. I stopped myself and had a 'What the hell just happened?' moment. It took a while to recall where this all came from, then I realized.
Somehow my brain pictured a dry cleaners and the massive amounts of things in one that could be potentially dangerous. Then it moved on to, what if some occultists ran a dry cleaners and were painting satanic glyphs on the inside of people's clothes. Then what if a man found out about it and tried to stop them. Hence the suffocation and beatings.
The brain is a crazy beautiful thing...enjoy those day dreams!

Friday, April 12, 2013


I would like to hear the conversation that took place during the development of the dildo.
"Janet, I love sex but I can't get anyone to bang me, and I sprained the hand I use to diddle myself. What's a girl to do?"
"I know! Lets get a whole bunch of latex and make a copy of some dude's massive junk and that way we can check our own oil."

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Damn Internet

Somehow the Internet has gone from delightful free porn and pictures of cats in adorable poses to hate websites feeding endless bullshit on anything from politics to imaginary movie trailers.
Naturally people are full of shit but somehow this has gone to a new degree of blatant lying using the Internet as a curtain of anonymity.
On a side note I just heard that Britney Spears is an alien and Bill Cosby is a vampire-totally true.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Ancient Egypt

What happened to the pyramids? There are a little over 100 that were built by royalty back in the day. Then they took a large jump to castles. Sounds to me like humans became a bunch of quitters.
I get it, castles are probably easier to build, I personally haven't built either one, but I can see the foreman having a much better day with castles.
With that set aside, what the hell people? Pyramids look bad ass, but noooo, that wasn't going to work because they took too long and killed too many slaves? Is that it? Because both of those things happened anyway. Can someone bring pyramids back please? Trump?

Monday, April 1, 2013


I want to know how art evolved. Not the paint and pencil and taking pictures. I want to know how we went from someone making a crude depiction of someone to something like a sculpture of two blocks and a piece of silly string. I have no problem with modern art, anything that stretches the imagination is fine, but to say that a brown smudge against a green background is a man's interpretation of life; is just...bullshit.