Thursday, December 20, 2012

The One Named Douchebag

Popularity changes people. We all know that, just look at Justin Beiber, that used to be a dude.
But how far does one have to spiral into super stardom before they start calling themselves things like SnoopDog or changing their name into a symbol.
I have no problem with a guy changing his name from Albert Klonosky to Jack Stone if he's going to be in a metal band. That makes some sense. But going from a normal name to Ice-T or Ice Cube or Vanilla Ice. Or take the extreme, changing to Snoop Dog, creating a entire product line based on that name then change it to Snoop Lion.
At least these idiots help the economy, name changes aren't free.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Old Christmas

According to about 30 minutes of research, about the same amount of time as when I was in high school, I found that Christmas was based on a Pagan holiday. To sum it up, when King James decided to declare his reign as a Christian one, all other holidays were pulled together so that the holidays weren't obliterated, just adapted. Since both religions celebrated Dec 25th it was easy to blend them into one holiday.
With this knowledge I have decided one thing...we have lost our pagan roots. Where are the goat leggings? Where is the pig roasting over the open flame? Come on Jesus, lets dance around the fire!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Naturally Vegan

When we are born (the majority) of us are fed milk, or a least a milk based product. Then over time we move on to baby food and eventually pieces of hot dog and so on and so forth. So really, unless your parents purposely fed you a vegan diet,(and if they did you rebelled against it at some point) there is no way anyone is a natural vegan. You started out as an omnivore.
Saying that you're vegan is kind of like a guy saying they're a woman after having sex change surgery. Yes, Bill is now technically a chick, but...was still born with a penis.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

FOX News listens to the radio

I am a FOX news anchor, and listening to the radio on the way to work today I heard some very interesting things that will make headlines:

Justin Beiber-"Your world is my world, and your fight is my fight"  It is obvious from this quote that Beiber is demanding to secede from the union.

Madonna-"Like a virgin"-She apparently is pro-life and saving herself. "Being touched for the very first time" Who has flipped sides and is now pro-choice and a whore.

Tool-"This bog is easy to get lost in when you're a stupid, dumb ass, belligerent fucker" they are clearly saying, turn to God for all things.

Wyclef-"Dollar, dollar bill yall, dollar, dollar bill,"-Wyclef is obviously saying that all Democrats are idiots and that Palin should be president in 2016.

Thank you FOX News for yet another comprehensive interpretation of what's happening in the media. It's no wonder have about as much credibility to be on TV as Barney. You amuse children and your shows are full of dinosaurs.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

rap rock crap

I have a news flash for the music world. Rap-rock does not work. Stop doing it.

Some musical collaborations turn out awesome, this is not one of them. Bands like Lincoln Park keep putting out albums that essentially sound like 9 year old boys singing over a piano's default hip hop song demo. It's bad enough with the Beiber's of the world, we don't need grown men putting together substandard music that sounds like it made for a school dance and then putting the word "rock" in it's genre.

Enough people.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The beautiful people

I had a dream last night that everyone was hot. Everyone on the planet looked exactly how they would like to look, their bodies sculpted and toned, no little things they hate evey time they look in the mirror, and it was great. Then I woke up and started thinking about it. That would be the worst thing ever, no one would get any work done, we would just be humping each other all day long, people would forget to eat and die off in droves, not to mention the impact on the economy, the only thing worth buying would be tight cut clothes, mirrors and lube.
It would be a beautiful apocalypse.

Friday, November 2, 2012

I can do that...

Let's step back into childhood when we were in class and we were all assigned to create our own versions of something. I'm voting calenders.
If the Mayans can do it, so can we, just map it out for as long as you like, one year, 10 years, 2 weeks; who cares? Then hand these calenders out to unstable focal figures located in high government and religious roles. Let's see how many times we can get the apocalypse predicted in '13!

Thursday, November 1, 2012


Well, Halloween is over which means you can clean the vomit off yourself, untangle your hair and take that costume off.
No, scratch that, that's only when you're a kid. With adulthood comes perks, like wearing your costume as long as you want, don't wipe that puke up in the hall, just toss some newspaper on it. Start chanting gibberish every few hours, and at the stoke of midnight open the front door and scream into the night. Let the holiday live on, and see how long it takes for your neighbors to call the cops.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Lip Readings

I wonder if when deaf people read lips they read with an accent when talking to certain people...

Friday, October 26, 2012


Next time you go to a concert take a second and look around.
These are completely normal(well, take that with a grain of salt), at least average human beings, and if you came across them in your normal life they would appear like anyone else.
However something about being in a large room with hundreds of others, people turn into strange creatures or angry beasts.
Within 10 feet of my last show there was a guy who thought he was Keven Fedrlinefuckadoo pantomiming NStreet Kid dances to every song, a very big man with a keg gut who took his shirt off on the first song, then stood with both middle fingers in the air for a minimum of 30 minutes, a couple who I'm pretty sure conceived a child, and an older fellow who wouldn't stop talking about the last time he heard the band(he could be heard over the music half the time).
The moral of the story, if you can drink at a show, you might as well get to it.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Damn Terrorists

I was at the gym today and a guy who caught one word of the news turned to his buddy and said, "Why don't we just nuke these people in the middle east?"
Frustration is understandable, but mass genocide of an entire race of people based on the actions of a few seems a little...I don't know, Hitlerish.
Al qaeda is a group of people of middle eastern descent that hate America and everything that it stands for, all powered by preaching a belief that the "white man" is evil.
That's bad, sounds a lot like basic racism with bigger guns.
I'm assuming that the VERY white guy at the gym didn't want to go nuke all the white people because a small number of them created the KKK. Or maybe he wanted to go back a few more years and kill all the white people for that whole slave thing.
Nah, if you're going to be socially inept and close minded, you have to be able to see past those little things like your own people performing the acts that you hate so much.

Friday, October 19, 2012

I challenge you sir

Is there any way we can bring duels back into modern society?
It used to be that if you insult someone, or just piss them off in the process of your daily routine that you can challenge them.
Lets just get this added to the ballot for the upcoming elections...and start packin heat.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Song of the Day

I love these 'song of the day' Apps everyone has all over the place.
Harvey Beaverface-the song of the day is "Virginity" by Justice Bribery.
Followed by the song in an attachment. Listen people, if we wanted to listen to your shitty music we would. On top of that, I care as much about what song your listening to as what bath soap you use.

Monday, October 1, 2012

All the hype

I want Beanie Babies to come back. Not because they were a great thing, but just think about what they did for the economy and for inexpensive humor all around.
We're talking about a stuffed animal that grown men would fall over each other to get a hold of, not just at collector conventions. You could go to Mcdonalds and see people in heated arguments over these things. On top of that there were deals going down all over the place for the "rare" ones.
Of course after everything died down people realized that they were pretty much worth nothing, but it's the journey that is always more fufilling than the destination.

Friday, September 28, 2012


When my phone decides to take an extra few seconds to send an email or pull up a web page I can get pissed. This makes zero sense. Thinking about just a few years ago my phone didn't even have a screen on it, this technology wasn't available to us yet we think that since we've had it for a few years we deserve every aspect of it.
I wonder if guys back in the day would buy something as simple as the cotton gin and after a few weeks of using it, flip the hell out when it wouldn't work. You mean I have to pull cotton like I used to a few days ago? Fuck That! I want to hit something because I've gotten used to a standard of cotton pulling that is now eluding me.
I love technology.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I have to say...

I hear people say this all the time, "I have to say" followed up by something like, "this meatloaf is amazing".
No. This is just a sentence to ensure that all attention is on you before you say something that you think doesn't make you sound pretentious. "I have to say, Linda's hair makes her look like a whore". You don't have to say these things.
The only time this phrase should be considered is when a gun is being pressed to someones skull. In that case it's completely acceptable. What's that? They have my family suspended over a pool full of sharks?
Listen guys, I have to say, that guy's body hair looks like his mom fucked Snuffleupagus.-Acceptable.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Rainbow Row

I love all these insane anti-gay people. This shows us what it looks like to be completely bat shit nuts. There are really two big problems with their stand: 1-Banning gay marriage. The first amendment states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise of…” So the fact that gay marriage is currently illegal in most states goes against the US Constitution.
The second statement said most often-It’s immoral. Less than 50 years ago it was illegal in the majority of the United States to preform or receive oral sex due to its immorality. In 1919 it was made  illegal to make, ship, sale, or consume alcohol due to immorality.
So if you want to bash something you don’t understand based on it being “immoral”, take a look at that beer in your hand and your fancy porn, and get bent.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


I enjoyed the X-Men comic and cartoon growing up, but then as I got older I thought about the whole evolution thing. Understanding that it's a comic book, I still wonder what the next steps in human evolution would be. I'm hoping that it's something along the lines of only having to sleep 2 hours a day to feel fully refreshed. Or maybe even our bodies use everything we give them, and we only have to go to the bathroom once a week. Imagine all the time that would free up.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Puppy Power

We see people everyday that we look at as crazy. Then there are the ones that we actually stand there in the parking lot watching the woman scream at her cat for getting in the front seat of her car while she was inside Walmart. It's these people that force you to stare blatantly with your mouth open that confuse me the most. We see them as batshit nuts, but I wonder if they have any idea of how they look.
Example: I saw a woman this morning at Barnes and Noble carrying a small dog like a baby, no problem there. But she was reading the inside sleeve of books to the dog and then looking at its face as if it was going to have an opinion on the plot of the story.
So the real question is, can this just be a lonely old woman who loves her dog...or, possibly a woman devoted to faith believing that this dog is her reincarnated husband. It's either one of those things, or this crazy bitch thinks the dog can read.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


People have a tendency to shit talk. More than most do it when the person leaves the room, "Man, Darrel is a real dumb piece of shit when it comes to anything not involved with golf." That's not what interests me, it's the way this is almost off limits when the person croaks. Everyone is saying, 'Hey man, respect the dead." Horseshit, they're dead, fuck it. It doesn't hurt when you don't have feelings, in fact, Darrel sucked at golf too, fuck him.
The only oddity is people that were truly pieces of shit. Hitler for example, nobody wants to respect the dead when you're talking about a man responsible for genocide. This example is a little extreme of course.
So next time someone says to have a little respect for the dead, don't worry, they'll die soon and you can talk all the shit about them you want too.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Get Down

I want to know what everyone thought about the first person who decided they were going to dance. It had to look like they were having a seizure that just happened to go in time with the music. Also, in the origin, there weren't sweet moves like the sprinkler or milking the big cow, they just had to make it up as they went along. It had to be a rough start.

Monday, August 27, 2012


Tons of countries still have child labor and wages that are pretty much piss. I wonder if people would still insist on slavery if technology hadn’t advanced so quickly.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Let the bodies hit the curb

Why do we need coroners? I always just assumed that when we created the trash can that the coroner would become obsolete.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


Who decided that four roads coming together now deserves a round-about instead of a stop sign? I have spent more time behind people struggling to go in a small circle than I have spent time in line at the grocery store in my entire life. This is ridiculous. First of all because they are a waste of money and stupid, but more importantly because people seem to have trouble going in a circle. From now on there should be a associate from the DMV seated in the middle of these things and if it takes a person more than 10 seconds to make their way through they should have their tires shot out and licence revoked.

Friday, August 17, 2012


I have decided that there are two types of folks in the world. We are broken down into people and MEople. People are your average man or woman who goes out and doesn’t scream everything at the top of their lungs, but instead fits into modern society without being a douchebag. MEople on the other hand insist on being the center of attention at all times. You know those face book folks that insist on taking a picture in front of their bathroom mirror every 30 seconds so you can see that they flexed slightly different or changed their socks? MEople.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Copy Cat

I love how we’re get pissed about people using other works as a stepping stone (ie. Any band with a grunge sound is a rip off of Nirvana-No shut up fuckwad, someone invented the guitar right?).
Idiots, without stepping stones we would still be in wagons. Oh no, wait we wouldn’t, because wagons were based off chariots; we wouldn’t want to rip of the Romans now would we. There also wouldn’t be little things like electricity, cell phones, televisions, automobiles, airplanes, law, houses, or clothes. Next time you want to call someone a “copy-cat”, remember…someone else came up with that term too fuckball.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

One Fish...Why?

I understand dogs, and even cats to an extreme, even though they are vicious pieces of shit half the time. Fish however make no sense. You can't pet a fish, well I suppose you can if you want to walk around smelling like sour pussy all day. An aquatic pet won't hang out in your lap without dying, or play fetch. So what's the point? The only exception are the big fat fish that can live through eating a piece of pizza and sharks. The only entertainment value you can get from anything else is watching it take a shit.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Safe Text

People keep getting in trouble for "accidentally" texting pictures of themselves in random provocative positions to random people. I say we all take some fancy snapshots of ourselves and send them to everyone.
Yea, I get that not everyone is going to be a star, but I figure one of two things will happen. Either everyone on Earth will take a deep breath and relax, or we will all be propelled into a insane flesh hungry rage that engulfs the planet. Either way, we all win.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Safety First

Warning labels on merchandise are saving too many lives.  We should take a break for about five years and see how many people off themselves.  Those individuals could then be buried in a mass grave labeled the Soylent Green Fund.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Fifty Shades of what?

One would think that as we evolve as a society that certain things would evolve with us. In only ten years we have evolved from fat clunky phones with barely audible service to a computer in your pocket. Even with all of this technology some people still prefer to read their porn. The Internet is packed with free porn, essentially anything you can think of. Why slow down the process with words? Come on ladies, join the evolution...Microsoft can help you flick the bean.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


A nice camp fire can really hit the spot. Those who like to get good and trashed can always build it into a towering inferno. But somewhere along the way there was a delightful person who insisted that flame in itself is not good enough. We need shit to blow up, and shoot flames and make loud explosions that echo through the canyons. With that in mind, someone decided to create fireworks. Good job psychotic Asian (shut up, it's not racist), you did us proud.

I'd Hit It

As a man, of course women confuse me. Why is it that a woman says, “I want to marry that guy, or I want to have his baby”? What they really want to say is, I want that dude inside me. But if a guy says “I want to bang that broad” it’s like slapping someone in the face. What we all need to understand is that we all want to have sex with each other and we need to find a way to live with it.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Top Hats

What happened to the top hat? Lincoln and Slash make that thing look elegant. These days you can’t even find one at a thrift store. We need someone to do for top hats that The Matrix did for trench coats. How did fedoras survive the turn? Silly fedoras.

Friday, August 3, 2012

RE: Shut up

"I hate Obama, I hated Bush." This country has turned into a bunch of teenage girls who got the wrong flavor ice cream. Shut the hell up. It's ice cream. Eat it. Be glad it’s not chocolate covered glass you whiny bitches.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bitchy Politics

People who complain about the president confuse me. I've never heard anyone say, "I can't stand the congress we have right now." No, it's Damn, Obama sucks, or Bush is a retard. Take a step back and pull your head out of your ass. Congress is the majority voting party for all laws and regulations within the country. If you want to bitch about people, bitch about your congressman.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


Why did we ever need skateboards? We have things with wheels on them that move fast, what was the purpose in creating something that moves slowly? Sure, now people can do all sorts of fancy flips and shit on them but that wasn’t the original intent for the boards. That’s like creating a four wheeled bicycle that doesn’t control as well and takes more effort to function than a normal bike. What the hell?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Answer

I’m pretty sure sex is the answer to everything. Look at all these unhappy and angry folks. If they got laid a little more often, perhaps by various partners if that’s the problem, then maybe we could all just chill. I’m pretty sure if they could just bang it out in Iraq we wouldn’t be in this debacle in the first place.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Taking it to Shakespeare

Rap music is essentially a group of people taking a shit on poetry. It started out innocently enough with themes based on the general public and sending a message. Now every song is fuck this and grind on that and smoke this. Shakespeare would be pissed.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Dainty Americans

Humanity is doomed to fail. I have no doubt. There is no other species on this planet that can find something to bitch about within every aspect of life. Those of us that live in America somehow find a way to blame every consecutive president for every problem in our lives. Taxes are always too high, people are always too fat, that table across from us at Chili’s is too loud, this ice cream tastes funny. Get a fucking grip people; you could be shoveling shit in China where the people don’t even know that phones are supposed to be smart.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

All I want for Xmas

If you’re considering getting me a present for the holidays I have a suggestion.  Take all these kids that wear women’s jeans and have their hair coming down in an angle over their eyes, and bring them to the woods behind my house. Unfortunately this is a two part gift and you might want to split the expense with a friend, because the second thing I’m going to need is a chainsaw, preferably with extra chains and a large can of grease.   I will provide the gasoline and matches.  You see what I really want to do is have these kids tell me how horrible their lives are and how mean mommy and daddy are; then I want to cut off one of their legs.  I’m assuming that somewhere within the amputation process they will find a new lease on life.  If they don’t, well, at least now they’ll have something to cry about.  Happy Holidays.

Friday, July 27, 2012

New President

Is there any way we can elect a tree as president? It will not declare war, or let any bills pass through congress. I assume it would be hard for the Commander in Leaf to impose new taxes or even take a stance on any political issue ever. I guess the only problem would be the inauguration speech. Ripping the tree out of the ground and dragging it down the street in a parade would probably be considered an assassination. But at the very least we could elect a goldfish as VP to carry on its legacy.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Are we wasting our dead people? Isn’t there something else we could be doing with them? Sealing someone up in a box and burying them where they won’t decompose seems like a waste. At the very least we could start a decomposition center, grow some massive potatoes from some fantastically fertile soil.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


A lot of the shows I watch are on FX. The only real problem with that is there are commercials throughout my shows that seem to display a homeless British guy reading news headlines. Do we really need any of that on television? We have enough people on the screen that aren’t funny. Please don’t import more.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Fanny Packs

I love the idea of having devices that are incredibly useful but just happen to look like shit. Take a fanny pack for example, this is a completely hands free device that allows the user to carry necessities, like an unrestricting purse. Sadly, it is impossible to look cool while wearing something like this. Damn you society.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Jesus Christ!

A woman with a Jesus sticker on the back of her car cut me off in traffic and then gave me the finger.
God bless America.

Frequent Flyer

People often worry about plane crashes.  What is there to worry about?  Don’t waste your time listening to the safety briefing just thank whatever god you believe in that you will have a quick death in the event of a crash. 
The survival rates of a passenger living through a fatal plane crash are 24%.  Do you think that you will be one of the unlucky ones or part of the very lucky 76% that dies a very quick compacted death?  If I’m in a plane crash and I die, I’m lucky, it’s much better than any type of burning or disease that could be carried out for months or even years.  After considering those hospital bills and the torture I and my family would have to endure, being turned into a fine red paste in a fraction of a second seems somewhat soothing.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Pet Cemetary

Pet cemeteries make no sense.  If you love your pet like a person bury it in a person cemetery, or hell bury it with you in your multi thousand dollar coffin.  If not, bury the thing in the back yard.  People in foreign countries eat these animals and we are wasting land to bury their bodies in which the only people that care about them are their owners.  When a person is buried there is a reason for the grave marker…PEOPLE care about them, usually more than two, unless they really suck.

Thursday, July 19, 2012


You know what would piss me off more than anything in the world?  Let’s say that a zombie attack occurred and before I was able to destroy and slaughter the hordes of the undead, being bitten on day one at ground zero.  Not even given a chance to kill one zombie and you’re infected. Or even worse, getting loaded up with guns and accessories and then being hit by a truck. Wouldn’t that suck?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Why would a person ever have to say LOL out loud? The entire point of LOL is emphasizing the fact that the person is laughing out loud, and you just can’t hear it since you’re not in the same area. If you were in the same area the person would just hear you laugh. That’s the whole point. Do the entire human race a favor, if something is funny laugh, the end.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Mile High Club

I’ve been in a lot of planes and therefore a lot of plane bathrooms. With that said, I can only assume that anyone in the mile high club must either be a midget or a gymnast. I can barely turn around in the lavatory much less get myself between a woman and the door. If anyone is limber enough to get it going, cheers to you, on top of the size of the place, just remember that there are up to 500 people outside waiting to take a shit.

Monday, July 16, 2012


Bathroom attendants are some solid dudes. Imagine that in your place of business everyone just started coming in your office to take a shit a few feet from where you sit all day. But it doesn’t stop at shit, the bathroom is the one place to go hock up loogies, let out those ass-tearing farts and yank that wedgie out of your ass. Next time you see a bathroom attendant just remember; in another life they could be shitting on your desk.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Where did the term fag come from?  I understand that in other countries a fag is a cigarette.  Is it because we suck on a cigarette for the smoke within?  Something about sucking on that small stick that translates to sucking on a dick? 
In all reality that would mean that homosexuals could also be called straws or harmonicas.  I think fag is just a fun word and people were looking for an excuse to use it more, like the word teat.  People liked it so it became tit, which is now a playful word for breast.  I’m sorry harmonicas.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Skinny Jeans

I understand that trends come and go, just look at Jnco jeans and 80's hair, but this obsession guys have with wearing girls jeans goes against the entire grain of society. Despite the fact that the pants look completely ridiculous on a man, these things were created for a reason. Men naturally have bigger frames and that whole penis thing that alters the design for the pants.
If a guy has a weird attraction to tight clothes I suggest some spandex, perhaps a leotard or a spiderman costume.At the very least this would help keep these people from blending in to modern society, and will keep the rest of the populous from having to watch them strut around uncomfortably.

Friday, July 6, 2012


Why do singers and wrestlers insist on being in movies?  You are doing well in your element (there are very few exceptions), don’t fuck that up.  For the love of all that is holy, don’t mess up my media with your half-ass acting because you think that you should be allowed to “expand your craft”.  Stick with your shitty music and stage acting and we will continue to cast foreigners to act in American roles, they do it better than you, the end.

Thursday, July 5, 2012


-There is a television show about monsters that live in a ghetto in New York.  On this show there are two men that live together and sleep in the same bed, a bum living in a trash can (and is pissed about it) a creature that has a unstoppable addiction, and a giant bird that has an imaginary friend that to my knowledge is mostly mammoth.  This is what we deem acceptable to our children.  On top of this we tell kids that the homeless need our help, there is such a thing as the bird flu, and that homosexuality is a sin.  Then we wonder why we have to medicate our kids.

Monday, July 2, 2012

I'm Just Sayin'

Something about the phrase "I'm just sayin'" pisses me off.
When you say something, it's said, we get it, we are standing five feet from you, we heard it. There is no need to tell us again that you just said it. It's over redundant.
Some people say it as if to defend what they just said, ie:This chicken tastes like fried assholes, I'm just sayin'. As if those three words make the previous statement less offensive to the cook. If that's what you look to accomplish, use a different phrase like:Your painting looks like a 4 year old did it, but you're still cool. At least that has some more positive backing.
Think twice before you "just sayin'" because you don't want to come off as an over redundant loser that doesn't have a big enough vocabulary or enough to actually talk about that you have to repeat yourself, but you're still cool.

Monday, June 25, 2012


Cats are worthless.  Why would anyone even bother with a cat when there are dogs available?  Cats are uptight pretentious douche bags.  If a dog acts up you can beat the hell out of it and it learns its lesson.  Any animal you have to declaw in order for you to let it live in your house should be shot and stuffed.  That is a trophy, show it off to your friends, that feline shithead could have killed you if not at least scratched the hell out of you and coughed up a bunch of nasty shit on your floor.

Sunday, June 24, 2012


-I think that there should be a law that one day out of the year each person is allowed one homicide.  These victims are allowed to protect themselves of course, in a survival of the fittest kind of way. 
Even though Bill wants to kill Jimmy for humping his girlfriend Liz, Jimmy could see Bill coming and even though he used his one kill on Liz he could claim self defense and kill Bill.  This would weed out some of those people that can’t plan ahead.  I’d save mine until late at night, that way I could get all those self defense kills out of the way and waste the first poor fool that cuts me off in traffic.

Saturday, June 23, 2012


For anyone not involved in modern society, this acronym stands for What The Fuck.  The problem is that people actually run around saying this.  I could understand typing it, to a degree, it’s 3 letters as opposed to 11; time management, got it. But saying this out loud is just fucking stupid. 
First of all if the situation is drastic enough to call in the use of the word fuck, why would you want to abbreviate it? The word stands for itself, in most cases you could get rid of the “What The” and just say Fuck.  Secondly, when spoken, no one saves time.  WTF is 4 syllables while What The Fuck is only 3, that’s a 1 syllable saving passed on to you.  Then of course you have the time it takes your brain to translate WFT into what it really stands for.  In a culture where we want everything instantaneously it seems insane to slow down and muddle up the language.  This goes against the grain with the society we are all tying so hard to destroy.  I mean seriously, WTF?

Friday, June 22, 2012


BFF-This entire saying is unrealistic, how many people are still BF’s with their BFF’s from high school.  This means that back then you were really not BFF’s, in fact you might not have even been BF’s if you don’t talk or care about how her kids look now and listen to her(BFF’s is a majorly feminine concept) whine about being fat. 
In fact if that’s the case you may have barely been F’s.  A BFF can’t really exist, you don’t know when you’re not going to be friends, so the most you can hope is BFATM, Best Friend At The Moment. 
Unless of course you know when you’re going to die, in that case you can say to Tammy, “You are my BFF” and then blow your brains out, because for you she was your BF until you rid the world of yourself, unfortunately this means that you are not Tammy’s BFF.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Season Finale

-There should be a season finale for all reality shows.  The winner of each show would all be gathered into an arena and forced to fight for their lives.  Then the winner would be given a mansion on the beach that has bank vault doors and upon entering their new palace the house would be locked up and burned to the ground.  That would teach those cocksuckers.