Tuesday, February 26, 2013


I'm not entirely sure I get why we pour so much time and effort into saving endangered species.
Most of them are animals that we've never heard of, or are strange off species of a common bird or alligator.
Isn't it just basic evolution to have the species that aren't making the grade sign off?
So stop donating time and money to the people from Jersey Shore so that they can crawl back into the ocean and die.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Diamonds are for...

I heard that there is a place you can take your loved ones ashes and have them pressure pressed into a diamond.
First of all this creeps me out just a tad. Not only are you wearing someone, they are involved in every action you take while wearing them.
What if you get a nipple piercing, then put grandma in a diamond studded nipple ring? She would get more action in a month than she had in the last 40 years.
How about a cock ring? Have yourself a little threesome with your old man and some stranger at the bar.
It sounds weird, but your family has never been closer...

Friday, February 22, 2013

Post Cards

I enjoy post cards, just not the same way anyone else does. Actually does anyone like post cards anymore?
I don't like them because it means that someone is 'Wishing You Were Here' but instead I like the idea of someone saying, 'Hey, we're having a fantastic time, I hope you're enjoying your shitty job and sobriety!' So please next time you think about sending a post card, make sure you wipe your ass with it first.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Is the Trix rabbit still around? I'm guessing he starved to death. The kids in those commercials were douche bags, they couldn't share for shit.
You wonder why some kids grow up shitty, it's because of commercials like that. "Hey, I'm starving over here." Eat a dick home boy, this here is my cereal.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

If You Lived Here....

Does anyone ever get pulled in by those 'If you lived here you would already be home' billboards? What kind of person stops and says, hell yes, I definitely don't want to drive another few miles, let's buy a house here!
How does the sign help someone who is leaving their house? Maybe they just bought a corpse from a coroner and pulled out the teeth and cut off the hands and left it in their burning house to commit insurance fraud. Maybe now they are on the run from the law and will never own a house again.

Or maybe they just aren't in the market for a new house.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Sit, Speak, Fetch!

Remember those little robot dogs and cats that they used to make? They didn't really do anything except make a little noise and rock back and forth on their legs. I think we need to revisit this concept. Can we get a new a new version that has a long range receiver in it and will go to the liquor store for me? Maybe they put a doggy door in the back of the building, a sensor opens the door for your animal and boom, they put the bottle in your pet's mouth and they run back home with a receipt and some fresh fun juice!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Save the Animals!

I'm not sure how it happened but somewhere along the way we decided that animal's lives are more important than humans. It may be because dogs have the ability to look sad or by showing pictures of starving cats. The thing is, what about the abandoned starving sick kids? Or when in a movie a woman can be blown up and no one twitches but a horse sprains its ankle and everyone shits their pants?
Now I'm not entirely against the 'lets pour millions of dollars into commercials to save animals' thing. Except for the fact that it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to make these commercials. That money could save every dog, cat, fish, rabbit, iguana, whatever.
If you want to get people to start adopting animals and trying to save them make a commercial that doesn't make people sad with a country song, but makes them fear for the life of that animal. Take a soft white rabbit and put it on camera, give it a name, feed it a carrot, then hit it with both barrels of a 12 gauge.
That'll get people adopting your animals, if nothing else PETA will take them off your hands.
You're welcome.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Run Don't Walk

Why run or walk in the street when a sidewalk is 2 feet away? I understand bikes to a degree, but only if you're hauling ass. Leisure cyclists can either pick it up or get out of the way.
Runners tell me that the asphalt is softer than concrete sidewalks...bullshit. I'm going to smash your head against both and you tell me which one gives. You know what's softer than concrete? Grass. So get your ass off the road, there's a sidewalk right fuckin there!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


Somehow Russell Brand was given a show on FX. This was a completely horrible idea anyway but now the show is getting commercial spots on other networks. I record the Daily Show so I can watch it in the morning. When that guy comes on screen during the ads I feel like I need to take a shower in disinfectant. How can someone who never showers and I can smell through the screen gets to stay on television? Though the fact that they were able to make a live action version of Pig Pen is pretty impressive.