Wednesday, November 21, 2012

FOX News listens to the radio

I am a FOX news anchor, and listening to the radio on the way to work today I heard some very interesting things that will make headlines:

Justin Beiber-"Your world is my world, and your fight is my fight"  It is obvious from this quote that Beiber is demanding to secede from the union.

Madonna-"Like a virgin"-She apparently is pro-life and saving herself. "Being touched for the very first time" Who has flipped sides and is now pro-choice and a whore.

Tool-"This bog is easy to get lost in when you're a stupid, dumb ass, belligerent fucker" they are clearly saying, turn to God for all things.

Wyclef-"Dollar, dollar bill yall, dollar, dollar bill,"-Wyclef is obviously saying that all Democrats are idiots and that Palin should be president in 2016.

Thank you FOX News for yet another comprehensive interpretation of what's happening in the media. It's no wonder have about as much credibility to be on TV as Barney. You amuse children and your shows are full of dinosaurs.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

rap rock crap

I have a news flash for the music world. Rap-rock does not work. Stop doing it.

Some musical collaborations turn out awesome, this is not one of them. Bands like Lincoln Park keep putting out albums that essentially sound like 9 year old boys singing over a piano's default hip hop song demo. It's bad enough with the Beiber's of the world, we don't need grown men putting together substandard music that sounds like it made for a school dance and then putting the word "rock" in it's genre.

Enough people.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The beautiful people

I had a dream last night that everyone was hot. Everyone on the planet looked exactly how they would like to look, their bodies sculpted and toned, no little things they hate evey time they look in the mirror, and it was great. Then I woke up and started thinking about it. That would be the worst thing ever, no one would get any work done, we would just be humping each other all day long, people would forget to eat and die off in droves, not to mention the impact on the economy, the only thing worth buying would be tight cut clothes, mirrors and lube.
It would be a beautiful apocalypse.

Friday, November 2, 2012

I can do that...

Let's step back into childhood when we were in class and we were all assigned to create our own versions of something. I'm voting calenders.
If the Mayans can do it, so can we, just map it out for as long as you like, one year, 10 years, 2 weeks; who cares? Then hand these calenders out to unstable focal figures located in high government and religious roles. Let's see how many times we can get the apocalypse predicted in '13!

Thursday, November 1, 2012


Well, Halloween is over which means you can clean the vomit off yourself, untangle your hair and take that costume off.
No, scratch that, that's only when you're a kid. With adulthood comes perks, like wearing your costume as long as you want, don't wipe that puke up in the hall, just toss some newspaper on it. Start chanting gibberish every few hours, and at the stoke of midnight open the front door and scream into the night. Let the holiday live on, and see how long it takes for your neighbors to call the cops.