Thursday, February 27, 2014

Michael J Fox Knows How to Please a Lady

Getting old isn't fun. It's pretty rare that you hear people past the age of 21 talking about how they only wish they were a little older. Unless of course they're half a step away from getting their senior discount card. I've decided that even though we're all going to get old and most likely acquire some horrible debilitating disease along the road to death there are still a few things to look forward to.

-Meeting new people-Once you get Alzheimer's everyone is new. Even better if you've been married for 50 years. You can slam that old wrinkly spouse of yours for the very first time, every time!

-Everything is new-Memory dissipates. The human brain cleans itself of useless memories and the older you get the more things you can forget. Remember how much you loved the ending of that movie? Of course you don't! Watch it again and gasp in shock as the protagonist does their thing. Then watch it again in an hour!

-Get it on-Parkinson's is far from fun, but work with what you've got. Eat half a steak then shake the rest onto the floor. The restaurant will feel so bad for you, they'll give you a new one at no charge!
While you've got the shakes, hop on your old lady, you've become a human vibrator, you're wife will be happier than ever!

See, getting old can be fun, just make sure you push the limits on those closest to you. And yell at kids. They'll ruin your lawn.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Compact Cruisin'

Why is it that when people are in parking lots, all rules of driving go out the window?
One way lanes turn into free for-alls, and people drive through spots to go in the wrong direction, then get pissed when you're in their way.
Pedestrian crossings somehow hold up until dark, then if you're in the thoroughfare you're fucked.
I'm sure something could be done about this, be it a security force with rubber bullets being dispatched to dent up
your car when you decide to drive like an asshole. Or we could always let it break down to street justice.
Parking lots could take a cue from The Purge, and when you park across two parking spots like an asshole, someone can hit your SUV with a flamethrower.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Cover Model

Waiting in line to buy a new chainsaw blade and handcuffs I hear some kids talking about the cover models on the magazines. "She's fuckin hot bro."
No shit bro. That's their job, to be attractive. LITERALLY. Models get paid to be appealing. Otherwise everyone would be a model; soft bellies, pock marks, shitty haircuts and all.
However, the more I think about it, there is a lot of pressure to become good looking these days. You've got thousands of different outlets of clothing and chemical aids, be it make up, lotion, or just shampoo.
In fact there are more options for weight loss and self perfection now than ever before: liposuction, plastic surgery, diet pills, home meal replacement plans, or good old fashion anorexia.
Pretty soon the magazine companies are going to have to pay people to stay plain, that way their models still fit that bar of above average. Thank you science!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Party Down South

There is a show on CMT called Party Down South. This show is essentially about drunk rednecks banging and fighting. This is what television has become.
I bitch a lot about TV these days, which may mean that I'm turning into a cynical old man, or that the bottom of the barrel has been scraped through into the sex/violence/idiot muck that the bucket had been sitting on.
Either way, if I want to watch drunken hillbillies get in a pissing contest over a big titted blond with the clap, I'll go to Applebee's.