Michael J Fox Knows How to Please a Lady

Getting old isn't fun. It's pretty rare that you hear people past the age of 21 talking about how they only wish they were a little older. Unless of course they're half a step away from getting their senior discount card. I've decided that even though we're all going to get old and most likely acquire some horrible debilitating disease along the road to death there are still a few things to look forward to.

-Meeting new people-Once you get Alzheimer's everyone is new. Even better if you've been married for 50 years. You can slam that old wrinkly spouse of yours for the very first time, every time!

-Everything is new-Memory dissipates. The human brain cleans itself of useless memories and the older you get the more things you can forget. Remember how much you loved the ending of that movie? Of course you don't! Watch it again and gasp in shock as the protagonist does their thing. Then watch it again in an hour!

-Get it on-Parkinson's is far from fun, but work with what you've got. Eat half a steak then shake the rest onto the floor. The restaurant will feel so bad for you, they'll give you a new one at no charge!
While you've got the shakes, hop on your old lady, you've become a human vibrator, you're wife will be happier than ever!

See, getting old can be fun, just make sure you push the limits on those closest to you. And yell at kids. They'll ruin your lawn.

Compact Cruisin'

Why is it that when people are in parking lots, all rules of driving go out the window?
One way lanes turn into free for-alls, and people drive through spots to go in the wrong direction, then get pissed when you're in their way.
Pedestrian crossings somehow hold up until dark, then if you're in the thoroughfare you're fucked.
I'm sure something could be done about this, be it a security force with rubber bullets being dispatched to dent up
your car when you decide to drive like an asshole. Or we could always let it break down to street justice.
Parking lots could take a cue from The Purge, and when you park across two parking spots like an asshole, someone can hit your SUV with a flamethrower.

Cover Model

Waiting in line to buy a new chainsaw blade and handcuffs I hear some kids talking about the cover models on the magazines. "She's fuckin hot bro."
No shit bro. That's their job, to be attractive. LITERALLY. Models get paid to be appealing. Otherwise everyone would be a model; soft bellies, pock marks, shitty haircuts and all.
However, the more I think about it, there is a lot of pressure to become good looking these days. You've got thousands of different outlets of clothing and chemical aids, be it make up, lotion, or just shampoo.
In fact there are more options for weight loss and self perfection now than ever before: liposuction, plastic surgery, diet pills, home meal replacement plans, or good old fashion anorexia.
Pretty soon the magazine companies are going to have to pay people to stay plain, that way their models still fit that bar of above average. Thank you science!

Party Down South

There is a show on CMT called Party Down South. This show is essentially about drunk rednecks banging and fighting. This is what television has become.
I bitch a lot about TV these days, which may mean that I'm turning into a cynical old man, or that the bottom of the barrel has been scraped through into the sex/violence/idiot muck that the bucket had been sitting on.
Either way, if I want to watch drunken hillbillies get in a pissing contest over a big titted blond with the clap, I'll go to Applebee's.

Super Proposal

Once a week or so a new video appears where some dude with a lot of time on his hands creates an extra elaborate way to propose to his girlfriend. This has somehow expanded out into guys asking their dates to prom. Whether it's a choreographed dance off or shooting out of a cannon, guys are going above and beyond. I get it, extreme show of love and all that; but with a divorce rate of 54% these guys are setting themselves up for failure.
Say you convince all of your friends to get together and schedule a flash mob to propose, then said flash mob is recorded and put on you tube. After however many months or years, you get divorced. Not only are your friends not going to be interested in learning a new dance for your next girl, but if she's seen your previous you tube video, you're in deep shit. How are you going to top the first proposal? Then say you do top it. Divorce rates for second marriages are 10% higher! You're just deeper in the hole.
And what about those girls that get asked to prom with a fake arrest? How does their new man follow that? What if he doesn't know? Then you have the girl thinking about how lame his proposal was compared to that kid in high school.
I think Van Gogh had it right, if you dig her, cut something off. That'll make you at least think twice about working it out.

Apocalyptic Orgasmatron

An apocalypse is coming. It may be nukes, it may be famine, I can only hope it's zombies. Either way, men are going to rule the world. This has nothing to do with strength or intelligence. Women are often smarter than men, and more physically operational. Men will take over the world due to the orgasm.

When the world is destroyed and humans become nomadic stragglers; power will separate societies. You know what powers vibrators? Batteries. Men, they don't need vibrators. They can travel the planet wankin' it all day and all night. But women, they will run out the juice on their rabbits, their thrusters, nipple toys, and vibrating underwear. In the end, women will have to submit to the power, of power; or man flesh. 

We don't want to take the power from you, we want to empower you. So by all means, imagine me as a rabbit, a thruster, a nipple toy...because in the end; we were the original, and if you don't, we always have Lucy Lefty. 

Children Sociopaths

In a single sitting of television I've seen a massive amount adds for shows that take shits on kids. Shows like Sixteen and Pregnant, Dance Moms, Friday Night Tykes, Honey Boo Boo, I could go on all day. It's pretty much a given that any child involved in these shows will grow up twisted. It will be even worse when they look back at how they were played off as a joke, or watch how their parents and a series of adults treated them as instruments of their 15 minutes, not as children.
Then there is the rest of the human race. An entire generation of children watching this crap along with gems like Jersey Shore, My Super Sweet 16, The Real Housewives of wherever, My Cat From Hell, Man vs Food, Celebrity Apprentice...shows that express no genuine or original thought. Shows that actually reward people for being assholes.
How do you save the children you ask? Lead by example, unplug that television, take it outside, and brain the nearest reality star with it.