Why Watch?

There is a disturbance in the televised entertainment universe.

Men (obviously I can speak to that on a better level) enjoy watching kick ass guys and hot girls do kick ass things. It's a testosterone driven sex fest. Even with horror or supernatural movies, it seems that guys are proving to themselves that we're so damn manly, we can sit through a horror movie without spoiling our panties.

Women on the other hand make choices that I have tried to understand, but still fail miserably. They want to watch movies that make them sad and cry, which seems like a horrible decision. Or shows about ignorant pompous "real" people that make them angry/jealous/and sometimes laugh at their insanity. Mix in there a little bit of the romantic stuff, that is the mirror image of a guy's macho movie: take the formula and repeat with new actors/special effects/minor plot twists/animal/aliens/etc.

So let's roll this out men, watch shit that gets their testosterone up and puff the chest out. Idiotic, but since I fall in that class and I just watched Commando-SHUT UP, WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?!?!

Women watch things that make them cry, hate men in general, and wish that they had the life of the Think You Can Model Idol 2: Romance in the Caribbean.

Solution: Obviously you could burn your television, but then what would you watch porn on? Plan B: Watch a chick flick and action movie simultaneously. Yea, she may cry while he's screaming in a testosterone filled rage, but there's always the chance for make up sex away from your imaginary friends.

Red Handled Cleaver

I once had a cleaver with a red handle grip,
Its blade was so shiny with a sharp pointy tip.
Forever estranged in a world worth slicing,
With no blade in hand, it's so less enticing.
Where have you gone, my red handled cleaver,
To find a new home and cut out the fever?
We had some good times, when you were shiny and new,
You sliced through it all, even bone and sinew.
I hope that you find a hand made for dicing,
Perhaps you can teach it about people slicing.
Tell them stories about days from the past,
How we sliced that poor hobo, how he was our last.
I wish you the best, oh red handled blade,
Our time was short, but with bodies we paved.
Gone from me now, without even farewell,
I think I'll head to the mall, to the cutlery sale.

SPORTS!

I don't care about sports, of any kind. That being said, I will attend sports functions, usually under the bribe of alcohol. Given how far they can go with mascots and events at arenas it seems like they are missing a vital piece to wrap in those slightly less sporty folk. If your team is the Vikings, why wouldn't you have a slew of people dressed up in Nordic wear screaming at people and pounding beer?
Better yet, why not name a professional team the Zombies, and everyone in the stadium can dress up?
Serve some tangy red sauce on everything. Pour the beer into plastic versions of melee weapons. And whenever someone scores have an entire group of zombies chase them around the stadium.
I would get watch that team.

Sleep Through That

The human body is an amazing thing. People are able to ignore one thing while getting completely caught up in another. Some get thrown off guard by the tiniest things, while another is able to totally ignore the event. Then there are people that can sleep through almost anything. Movies at full volume, video games-literally world war three. Then there is that tiny thing. For example: a man snoring. How can a woman sleep through explosions, demons screaming, and zombies eating people alive; but one little snort and she is completely conscious? The human body is weird, and it keeps some people up at night...at least one lady.

Pray for Arkansas

There are an influx of people that change their Facebook profile pictures, or post little twitter prayers about people that are afflicted by natural disasters. Beside those are people begging for prayers for sick children, people going into surgery, lost kids, murder victims...dogs with a cough, headaches, a stubbed toe etc.

The internal view, we as the human race, seems to have these days is getting worse. Don't change your little Facebook profile to let all your friends know that you're so great that you can pray. Get in your car, drive to Mayflower and do something about it. When you take a second and think about it, those prayers are wasted anyway. God's the one that did this.

It's Feeling A Lot Like Summer

Warm weather is coming back people. We all know what that means! Girls in bikinis, bros with popped collars, and getting separated from your friends in the woods and having your legs cut off with a chainsaw!
That's right kids, summer massacres are back and better than ever! Book that trip to the beach, cash in on that groupon for the lakeside cabin for 4, fly to a foreign land and stay in a hostel with strangers that suck on pennies!
And don't forget; Lowe's is offering low interest credit for 84 months. Chainsaws, hedge clippers, chains, shovels, tarps, power drills, bolt cutters, all on credit, fantastic! That gives you 7 full years to hide the bodies, or eat them. Why not put some of that credit to a stand up freezer, then make a game of seeing how many severed limbs will fit before it turns into Jenga?
Let 2014 be your summer of adventure!

Sleepy Time

As kids, sleepovers were a planned night of fun. Play video games until the AM, watch movies, run around the neighborhood.  A great excuse to do dumb crap with friends. Then the next morning consisted of breakfast, usually unnecessary amounts of sugar and more video games.
Sleep overs still happen, we just don't call them sleep overs anymore. Instead of planned events, we end up having unscheduled socially responsible sleep overs. It doesn't have to do with staying up all night, it has to do with the entire world spinning, and not getting a DUI. The mornings aren't about breakfast as much as getting as many Tylenol and coffee's into your body as fast as possible.