SPORTS!

I don't care about sports, of any kind. That being said, I will attend sports functions, usually under the bribe of alcohol. Given how far they can go with mascots and events at arenas it seems like they are missing a vital piece to wrap in those slightly less sporty folk. If your team is the Vikings, why wouldn't you have a slew of people dressed up in Nordic wear screaming at people and pounding beer?
Better yet, why not name a professional team the Zombies, and everyone in the stadium can dress up?
Serve some tangy red sauce on everything. Pour the beer into plastic versions of melee weapons. And whenever someone scores have an entire group of zombies chase them around the stadium.
I would get watch that team.

Sleep Through That

The human body is an amazing thing. People are able to ignore one thing while getting completely caught up in another. Some get thrown off guard by the tiniest things, while another is able to totally ignore the event. Then there are people that can sleep through almost anything. Movies at full volume, video games-literally world war three. Then there is that tiny thing. For example: a man snoring. How can a woman sleep through explosions, demons screaming, and zombies eating people alive; but one little snort and she is completely conscious? The human body is weird, and it keeps some people up at night...at least one lady.

Pray for Arkansas

There are an influx of people that change their Facebook profile pictures, or post little twitter prayers about people that are afflicted by natural disasters. Beside those are people begging for prayers for sick children, people going into surgery, lost kids, murder victims...dogs with a cough, headaches, a stubbed toe etc.

The internal view, we as the human race, seems to have these days is getting worse. Don't change your little Facebook profile to let all your friends know that you're so great that you can pray. Get in your car, drive to Mayflower and do something about it. When you take a second and think about it, those prayers are wasted anyway. God's the one that did this.

It's Feeling A Lot Like Summer

Warm weather is coming back people. We all know what that means! Girls in bikinis, bros with popped collars, and getting separated from your friends in the woods and having your legs cut off with a chainsaw!
That's right kids, summer massacres are back and better than ever! Book that trip to the beach, cash in on that groupon for the lakeside cabin for 4, fly to a foreign land and stay in a hostel with strangers that suck on pennies!
And don't forget; Lowe's is offering low interest credit for 84 months. Chainsaws, hedge clippers, chains, shovels, tarps, power drills, bolt cutters, all on credit, fantastic! That gives you 7 full years to hide the bodies, or eat them. Why not put some of that credit to a stand up freezer, then make a game of seeing how many severed limbs will fit before it turns into Jenga?
Let 2014 be your summer of adventure!

Sleepy Time

As kids, sleepovers were a planned night of fun. Play video games until the AM, watch movies, run around the neighborhood.  A great excuse to do dumb crap with friends. Then the next morning consisted of breakfast, usually unnecessary amounts of sugar and more video games.
Sleep overs still happen, we just don't call them sleep overs anymore. Instead of planned events, we end up having unscheduled socially responsible sleep overs. It doesn't have to do with staying up all night, it has to do with the entire world spinning, and not getting a DUI. The mornings aren't about breakfast as much as getting as many Tylenol and coffee's into your body as fast as possible.

Bumper Your Face!

Bumper stickers really don't have a purpose. I get the one's that are for a band, or a school. I went to Crofford Community College skipadee-dee! (Lucky you, I decided not to copy right skipadee-dee and you are now allowed to shout it at all parties and gatherings going forward). Then there are the bumper stickers about politics and religion that are pretty much people just waiting for their car to get keyed. Or the ones that have "clever" saying, like Fish or Die, I'm only Speeding because I have to Poop, or Jesus Loves You, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. Good, great, glad you could share all of that with the world.
I've noticed that when I'm behind someone in traffic and I'm angry(side note, I'm always on the verge of murdering innocents when in traffic) I see these bumper stickers and alter them to levels of pain.
For Example:
-Fish or Die: Oh, you're right about die part you piece of shit, the light's GREEN!
-I'm only Speeding because I have to Poop: Oh really? That's hilarious, because if you don't turn of your blinker I'm going to shit down your throat!
-Jesus Loves You, but everyone else thinks your an asshole: I swear to Jesus, if you don't stop texting, I'm going to smash into you, light your car on fire, and pray to God that you feel the contents of your stomach boil before you die.

And always a winner, if they have a handicap sticker-"Oh, I'm gonna make you handicapped if you don't get your damn foot off the break!"

Isn't society lovely.

My Reader is the Best!

Which do you prefer, the iPad, the Nook, Kindle, Jetbook, Icarus, Kobo, or any of the other hundred options of electronic readers? This one has a longer battery life, but it gets really bad glare. You can read this one in the sun, but it doesn't show anything in color. Blah blah blah, bitch bitch bitch.
You know the best way to read? It's a book. No glare, no battery life. Pure and simple.
Don't over think everything.