How Many Licks?

Somehow I saw the old school tootsie roll commercial again, and something about it stood out.
Yes there was still that asshole owl that ate the kid's candy, but there were other things. A random kid walking around in the woods talking to cows, foxes, turtles and owl? What mushrooms was he licking before he decided to talk to these animals? And why the hell isn't he wearing any clothes? And why is the fox wearing sunglasses? And if the owl is a professor why is he still wearing his hat from graduation?
Seems to me that somewhere along the way, the kid decided to take bath salts and offer "animals" his "tootsie pop", he got turned down quite a few times, until he found that old professor. Yes, he was very willing to help him with his licking problem. Smart owls know when an opportunity is staring them in the eye.

I Love My TV

I'm a pretty open minded guy, no that's not really true, I'm a caveman.
Being a caveman, you would think I love to be outside. No, no I do not. If there is a pool available, or some sort of communal activity that involves sunshine and drinking, I'll be there. Camping is confusing to me. I'll explain.

We, the royal WE, the human race created things like AC units, carpet, insulation, thermal cook microwaves and water heaters, there are even people with heated toilet seats. What part of the brain says that it's cool to spend all that money on expensive stuff for entertainment and comfort, but to leave it all behind and go spend a weekend in the woods. The woods without electricity or functional toilets, or the Internet.
I understand the getting in touch with nature piece, go look at a flower, takes a couple minutes then you can be back on the couch eating Cheetos in no time.
There is the piece(mostly in men) that says, "Me can survive. Me strong. I can do it with my hands." Being a man, I get that part too. Go canoeing, prove that you're a God on the rapids, then go take a hot shower and order some faux Italian pizza and have it delivered to your door while you sip an ice cold chocolate milk in your underwear.

I say enjoy all these technical marvels while you can. We can camp when the zombies come.

I Want a Makeover!

Spending a little time at the local mall I got a chance to stroll through one of the makeup counters. Every counter had multiple salespeople offering makeovers to women of all ages, from trying various makeups and wrinkle creams to sitting down and getting your makeup done. Many women and girls passed on the free makeovers even if they were buying the products offered.

Why don't they have something like this at the mall for men? Maybe a craft beer counter, when you can sit down and try all 14 crafts beers to make your choice just a little easier. Perhaps a meat counter, where you try a variety of meats with different rubs and branded sauces? How about a gun counter where you can try out any handgun you want to find the perfect fit? Come on malls, where's your sense of adventure? The guys are there bored off their asses, you just need to cater.

Jewish Black Asian Hispanic People Meet.com

I leave the TV on in the background pretty much all day. With that in mind, I tend to hear and occasionally see the same commercials over and over. One that caught my attention was the new blackpeoplemeet website advertisement. Originally I thought it was odd because the way they were advertising their product was by showing two people bumping into each other at a grocery store. If you can do that why the hell would I pay for your service?
Then I considered, how pissed would people get if there was a whitepeoplemeet website. With a little research not only did I discover that everyone thinks that the black dating site is simply segregating for the sole point of segregating, but that THERE IS a whitepeoplemeet web site.Racist, definitely, worth a look, oh yea.
If you're like me and just enjoy seeing people make complete asses of themselves, check out one of these websites. There is actually a guy on the front page of whitepeoplemeet right now wearing old German military fatigues. Delightful.So I decided to look at a few more of the odd ones to let you know what you're missing.

Ashley Madison-A site dedicated to married people looking to hook up. Wanna get caught in your affair real quick? Post your picture online declaring that you're looking for some strange.

Women Behind Bars-connects you to a woman in jail to chat with. Someday maybe you can rob a liquor store together.

Pot partner-Wanna get high and consider banging before we fall asleep...mmm pizza...

Tall Friend-Yup, a dating site just for tall peoples, no shorties allowed.

Trek Passions-Only for the uber nerdy, specifically for those with a passion for Star Trek or Star Wars.

last but definitely not least-

Daily Diapers-That's right, you know you want to dress up like a baby and have someone change, spank, feed, and bathe you. This sight is for anyone who wants to relive the baby years, and for someone who just really wants to spank adults in diapers apparently.

Why Watch?

There is a disturbance in the televised entertainment universe.

Men (obviously I can speak to that on a better level) enjoy watching kick ass guys and hot girls do kick ass things. It's a testosterone driven sex fest. Even with horror or supernatural movies, it seems that guys are proving to themselves that we're so damn manly, we can sit through a horror movie without spoiling our panties.

Women on the other hand make choices that I have tried to understand, but still fail miserably. They want to watch movies that make them sad and cry, which seems like a horrible decision. Or shows about ignorant pompous "real" people that make them angry/jealous/and sometimes laugh at their insanity. Mix in there a little bit of the romantic stuff, that is the mirror image of a guy's macho movie: take the formula and repeat with new actors/special effects/minor plot twists/animal/aliens/etc.

So let's roll this out men, watch shit that gets their testosterone up and puff the chest out. Idiotic, but since I fall in that class and I just watched Commando-SHUT UP, WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?!?!

Women watch things that make them cry, hate men in general, and wish that they had the life of the Think You Can Model Idol 2: Romance in the Caribbean.

Solution: Obviously you could burn your television, but then what would you watch porn on? Plan B: Watch a chick flick and action movie simultaneously. Yea, she may cry while he's screaming in a testosterone filled rage, but there's always the chance for make up sex away from your imaginary friends.

Red Handled Cleaver

I once had a cleaver with a red handle grip,
Its blade was so shiny with a sharp pointy tip.
Forever estranged in a world worth slicing,
With no blade in hand, it's so less enticing.
Where have you gone, my red handled cleaver,
To find a new home and cut out the fever?
We had some good times, when you were shiny and new,
You sliced through it all, even bone and sinew.
I hope that you find a hand made for dicing,
Perhaps you can teach it about people slicing.
Tell them stories about days from the past,
How we sliced that poor hobo, how he was our last.
I wish you the best, oh red handled blade,
Our time was short, but with bodies we paved.
Gone from me now, without even farewell,
I think I'll head to the mall, to the cutlery sale.

SPORTS!

I don't care about sports, of any kind. That being said, I will attend sports functions, usually under the bribe of alcohol. Given how far they can go with mascots and events at arenas it seems like they are missing a vital piece to wrap in those slightly less sporty folk. If your team is the Vikings, why wouldn't you have a slew of people dressed up in Nordic wear screaming at people and pounding beer?
Better yet, why not name a professional team the Zombies, and everyone in the stadium can dress up?
Serve some tangy red sauce on everything. Pour the beer into plastic versions of melee weapons. And whenever someone scores have an entire group of zombies chase them around the stadium.
I would get watch that team.