Friday, August 4, 2017

A Constant Reader's Review of the Dark Tower Movie

"There are other worlds than these."

These words ring more true than ever after sitting down to the surprisingly short run of The Dark Tower. As one who has read the series many times and the rest of the King universe at the same length; I was anxious to see where the writers along with Nikolaj Arcel would take us. As the lights went out and the production companies ran their logos they greet you a Tet-Corporation logo, with a rose and turtle. From there we open on children, some recognizable, in a place I recognize, and I know, from that first moment; they were going to do something special.


This is not a movie made to follow the books. Instead we have something much more open to interpretation. If you took all of the books and put them in a blender and poured that juice out as the follow up to the seventh book in the series, this is what you would come up with.

Jake's back story and travel to Mid-World has changed.
The Can-Toi are already on the move, pushing to destroy the tower like never before.
We see the aftermath of Jericho Hill, and the death of Roland's father.
Roland himself is even different, as if he has yes...forgotten the face of his father.

But none of this bothered me. Not in the least. We see Jake's struggling with dreams of what was, almost as if he had lived this life once before. He is stronger than ever, not due to his connection to the Tower but because he has much more of something he had previously, the Shine. He was strong in the books, but in this run, he is unmatched.

The Man in Black is running his gambit on the tower, almost unopposed. He uses Merlin's Rainbow to keep an eye on Roland as well as torment him.

Jake, plagued by nightmares, and hunted on Keystone Earth by the can-toi runs to the only place he knows, the portal for midworld, keycode entry 19-19.

From here, we actually run with the books for a few. Roland and Jake come together and decide they have to hunt down Walter. In doing so they are attacked by a creature the is easily comparable to the creature from IT. After a run in with more can-toi, the small ka-tet go to Keystone Earth to find where Walter is hiding and kill him.

In this time, Walter has found Jake's parents and murdered them, mocking the ka-tet, but leaving enough clues that they could find him at the Dixie Pig where he waits with his army of can-toi.

Here we see a very different run of events. Upon approach, Jake is taken by Walter and Roland is forced to move quickly to the Dixie Pig. Jake is the strongest breaker alive, and with him Walter thinks he can bring the tower down immediately.

This is where Roland really comes alive. We get the gun play pushed through the novels as well as the reaction and speed only a gunslinger can muster. The final showdown is between Jake using his shine to resist causing a massive beam-quake, as well as Roland having it out with Walter face to face.

The end is not an end, but an opening. This movie truly acts as a set up to a much larger broader universe. Roland asks Jake to join him back in Mid-World, and with Walter(temporarily defeated?) the quest turns to the tower.


There are definitely a few things that could have been hammered out a little more in this movie, for example, book dialog doesn't always sound great spoken out loud. Also, this is going to do a lot more for those that have read the books as it has loads of minor things and connections that most will not catch. I found constant notes and nods to other books in almost every backdrop.

The thing I think they captured perfectly is actually Roland. He is a lost knight of Eld and is focused purely on vengeance for Walter having a hand in killing everyone he knew and loved. The tactics of the Gunslinger were also fantastic. It is described in detail how proficient he is with his guns and how the man is a cold killer when necessary.

If you enjoyed the series, this is a must. If you like the idea of a sci-fi-western, this is also probably right up your alley.

As nervous as I was of seeing a series I hold so dear be mutilated by the Hollywood machine, I was pleasantly surprised at the care they took with this.

I would go see it again, if not just to be emerged in the world I love so much.

-Long days and pleasant nights...

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Back To The Future

I keep seeing talk about another Back to the Future movie. Let me be the one to break it to you, it's not going to happen. There's a very good reason for this, they're all dead.

Okay, not all of them.

We know that the DeLorean was fitted with a flux-capacitor. Also that the flux-capacitor was fueled by weapons grade plutonium.
At the end of BttF 3 we see a train hit the time machine as it runs out of gas on the train tracks. After a few fleeting seconds the flux-capacitor flickers out of juice. Plutonium is usually cased in magnesium with rubber bumpers. In this case, the machine was destroyed and cracked open. There are two possibilities at this point.

1-The machine goes critical after the machine erodes completely and levels all of Hilldale. Depending on the wind there would be a few square miles of fallout. The entire McFly family is incinerated along with Biff and the other beloved characters in the story.

2-The plutonium casing is destroyed and rain runs the poison into the water system. In this case the city survives, however all of the inhabitants are poisoned and more than likely die a much slower more painful death. No telling how long the water table will spread or how long it will take to recover.

Either way Doc's entire family is gone on their train and safe, as far as we know. So there is a possibility of a spin-off of the Brown family.
The real questions to all of this is...did Doctor Brown know?

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Pokemon: WHOA

Did you download it yet?
Have you seen people out playing it?
Have you almost been hit by someone driving while playing?
Have you taken pictures of the 40 year olds playing in the alley way out of shame?

There are a lot of people obviously into this game. Mostly getting that nostalgia feeling back. Pok√©mon was before my time, so I'm don't really care one way or the other. But there are people who are really into it and others that are pissed.
I'm seeing posts, "It's stupid" "Look up from your phone" "Get a life" "Grow up"
So much anger for some little...whatever the hell a pokemon is.

The thing that kills me is that these people talking about how the poke-folk should "Get a life" and "Augmented reality is a stupid idea" are the same people that play World of Warcraft, or Fantasy Football.
All in all, who gives a shit? As long as the poke-folk aren't smashing into you while they drive and catch, what's the big deal? Everyone is on their phone playing Candy Crush or checking Facebook or Instagram anyway. It gives some people a social experience with a game attached.
If you're one of the people hating on the poke-folk, maybe you should re-examine all the dumb shit you do in your life.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Its Just A #

Age is Just a Number.
That's a saying I've heard quite a bit lately. Mostly because I am around people dating other people at different ages. Also there is an ad on the back of a magazine for makeup using that tag, it's sitting in my living room. I get it, but I wonder if it's a little overused. It's cutesy and people use it correctly but...maybe we should start using it in the wrong ways?
Like, when a 50 year old teacher gets arrested for banging a 12 year old. Maybe they should testify that they were in love and age is just a number.
Or when someone gets caught fondling a corpse, hey, he was attractive once, he'd be 143 today.
We could put down a bunch of puppies, I mean age is just a number after all.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

We Did This To Ourselves

Let's take a quick look at the internet as a whole and note some shittyness that has taken place. If you see a link that starts with one of the following...stay away. You too can prevent horseshit link herpes.

-The 25 best photos of...
             These could be photos of anything, people at Walmart, attractive athletes, grown up child stars. Do Not Be Fooled. They are not the best. They are garbage. Look out the window. There, you've seen better stuff than that link.

-These People/You/He/She is in for a surprise!
          Everyone is in for a surprise. Want to watch some people get hurt? Just type fail videos into youtube. At the very least you won't be giving a troll the traffic they don't deserve.

-If you ever see this creature run!
       These should be pretty self explanatory. If you're in the driveway scratching your ass and a rhino comes running, you probably shouldn't stay still.

-Horrifying/Classified/Amazing/Brutal/Disgusting photos they don't want you to see.
       Watch a horror movie. Is brutal shit your thing? Read the news instead.

-The easiest way to get a mortgage.
       Believe it or not, is to go to the bank.

-They just kept recording!
       No shit, they're camera men, and the people were on TV. What did you expect.

-What does your Name/Eyecolor/Haircolor say about you?
       If you're going to read this you may as well skip it and read a horoscope instead. It'll be about the same level of insight.

-These photos will leave you speechless.
      They won't.  Really.

-Any number of surprising secrets you didn't know!
       I'm going to bet that you already know these, and they aren't secrets.

-Why no one will hire this Actress/Actor/Musician/Director/Writer anymore.
      Is this something on your list of info needed to know? Are these ever accurate?

-This politician destroys the other parties ideas in 2 minutes, MUST WATCH!
      Someone ripping into an opposite belief is pretty much day to day at this point. Almost none of these are accurate statements based on facts, instead hoping that you share their opinions. Taking someone else's rant(usually based of their income, not belief) as fact is never a good idea.

Did we learn anything?
Please don't click on bullshit. If you're that bored I suggest going to a few sites that are pretty rad. Readfreebooks
or if things are really dire, and you're not stuck at work simply turn off the computer and go start an argument with a stranger.
You can do it!

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Not Safe For Earth

     There's a lot of political bullshit out there. A WHOLE lot. Especially being an election year, though it tends to go on for two years these days. Plenty of issues for both sides to complain about and scream at each other about, people fighting for you to believe their side is right. That's all fine and good...well actually it's usually terrible and fucking disgusting, but that's not the point.
     One thing I keep hearing is that these scientists are all full of shit and this whole climate change thing is garbage. I notice most of this is people screaming about how if it's really "global warming" then why's it snowing? Shut up. That's dumb. Climate change is about the earth itself being affected by all of us humans guzzling down fossil fuels and taking a dump on the planet.
    So...for the sake of the skeptics, lets see about what good it would do to change from fossil fuels to clean energy. It will be a long process. There is a lot of discussion about job loss, but that's pretty hollow. The workers in current energy would have to learn new energy. That whole adapting thing that we've been doing since...forever. SO that's easy, we switch, make it a cleaner, healthier planet for us and the next generation.
     Now this whole climate change thing. Let's say for a minute that there is even a 1% chance that it's real. We've already discussed all the good it will do. So what's your problem?
     I'm not telling you to become a hippy and buy hemp clothes and go vegan. I'm just saying, maybe don't close yourself off to something that could very possibly be real. "Those dumb scientists don't know what they're talking about." I think you may be right, those stupid scientists and engineers and chemists, fools, the lot of them. They say not to drink bleach, idiots! If you think that all those scientists are full of shit, please pour yourself a bleach cocktail. Cheers to your convictions!

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Take if from the Kids

Who do you take advice from?
As an adult, I try to take advice from people that know what they're talking about. Medical consulting from doctors, auto advice from mechanics, and drink suggestions from bartenders. Recently it seems, companies seem to have forgotten where and from who to get and give advice. There are an awful lot of new commercials were kids are giving advice. A child discussing who you should get your insurance from, or a baby telling you how to trade your stocks, or an entire group of kids telling you where to buy your chicken nuggets.
At what point in time did these companies decide that their customers would rather get advice from children with no real world experience than professionals? Even an actor that portrays a person that has been through an experience seems better than a child. There is nothing in a child's portrayal that gives me the illusion that they have actually spent hours browsing insurance companies.
With that said, I wouldn't be against some classes that would make kids more self sufficient. If we want to get kids to that point, lets do it fast. Let's teach them all Microsoft Office so they can do our taxes, and when they're done with that, they can run down to the liquor store and pick out the finest whiskey for mommy and daddy.