The Answer

I’m pretty sure sex is the answer to everything. Look at all these unhappy and angry folks. If they got laid a little more often, perhaps by various partners if that’s the problem, then maybe we could all just chill. I’m pretty sure if they could just bang it out in Iraq we wouldn’t be in this debacle in the first place.

Taking it to Shakespeare

Rap music is essentially a group of people taking a shit on poetry. It started out innocently enough with themes based on the general public and sending a message. Now every song is fuck this and grind on that and smoke this. Shakespeare would be pissed.

Dainty Americans

Humanity is doomed to fail. I have no doubt. There is no other species on this planet that can find something to bitch about within every aspect of life. Those of us that live in America somehow find a way to blame every consecutive president for every problem in our lives. Taxes are always too high, people are always too fat, that table across from us at Chili’s is too loud, this ice cream tastes funny. Get a fucking grip people; you could be shoveling shit in China where the people don’t even know that phones are supposed to be smart.

All I want for Xmas

If you’re considering getting me a present for the holidays I have a suggestion.  Take all these kids that wear women’s jeans and have their hair coming down in an angle over their eyes, and bring them to the woods behind my house. Unfortunately this is a two part gift and you might want to split the expense with a friend, because the second thing I’m going to need is a chainsaw, preferably with extra chains and a large can of grease.   I will provide the gasoline and matches.  You see what I really want to do is have these kids tell me how horrible their lives are and how mean mommy and daddy are; then I want to cut off one of their legs.  I’m assuming that somewhere within the amputation process they will find a new lease on life.  If they don’t, well, at least now they’ll have something to cry about.  Happy Holidays.

New President

Is there any way we can elect a tree as president? It will not declare war, or let any bills pass through congress. I assume it would be hard for the Commander in Leaf to impose new taxes or even take a stance on any political issue ever. I guess the only problem would be the inauguration speech. Ripping the tree out of the ground and dragging it down the street in a parade would probably be considered an assassination. But at the very least we could elect a goldfish as VP to carry on its legacy.

RIP

Are we wasting our dead people? Isn’t there something else we could be doing with them? Sealing someone up in a box and burying them where they won’t decompose seems like a waste. At the very least we could start a decomposition center, grow some massive potatoes from some fantastically fertile soil.

FX

A lot of the shows I watch are on FX. The only real problem with that is there are commercials throughout my shows that seem to display a homeless British guy reading news headlines. Do we really need any of that on television? We have enough people on the screen that aren’t funny. Please don’t import more.

Fanny Packs

I love the idea of having devices that are incredibly useful but just happen to look like shit. Take a fanny pack for example, this is a completely hands free device that allows the user to carry necessities, like an unrestricting purse. Sadly, it is impossible to look cool while wearing something like this. Damn you society.

Jesus Christ!

A woman with a Jesus sticker on the back of her car cut me off in traffic and then gave me the finger.

God bless America.

Frequent Flyer

People often worry about plane crashes.  What is there to worry about?  Don’t waste your time listening to the safety briefing just thank whatever god you believe in that you will have a quick death in the event of a crash. 

The survival rates of a passenger living through a fatal plane crash are 24%.  Do you think that you will be one of the unlucky ones or part of the very lucky 76% that dies a very quick compacted death?  If I’m in a plane crash and I die, I’m lucky, it’s much better than any type of burning or disease that could be carried out for months or even years.  After considering those hospital bills and the torture I and my family would have to endure, being turned into a fine red paste in a fraction of a second seems somewhat soothing.

Pet Cemetary

Pet cemeteries make no sense.  If you love your pet like a person bury it in a person cemetery, or hell bury it with you in your multi thousand dollar coffin.  If not, bury the thing in the back yard.  People in foreign countries eat these animals and we are wasting land to bury their bodies in which the only people that care about them are their owners.  When a person is buried there is a reason for the grave marker…PEOPLE care about them, usually more than two, unless they really suck.

Zombies

You know what would piss me off more than anything in the world?  Let’s say that a zombie attack occurred and before I was able to destroy and slaughter the hordes of the undead, being bitten on day one at ground zero.  Not even given a chance to kill one zombie and you’re infected. Or even worse, getting loaded up with guns and accessories and then being hit by a truck. Wouldn’t that suck?

LOL

Why would a person ever have to say LOL out loud? The entire point of LOL is emphasizing the fact that the person is laughing out loud, and you just can’t hear it since you’re not in the same area. If you were in the same area the person would just hear you laugh. That’s the whole point. Do the entire human race a favor, if something is funny laugh, the end.

Mile High Club

I’ve been in a lot of planes and therefore a lot of plane bathrooms. With that said, I can only assume that anyone in the mile high club must either be a midget or a gymnast. I can barely turn around in the lavatory much less get myself between a woman and the door. If anyone is limber enough to get it going, cheers to you, on top of the size of the place, just remember that there are up to 500 people outside waiting to take a shit.

Bathrooms

Bathroom attendants are some solid dudes. Imagine that in your place of business everyone just started coming in your office to take a shit a few feet from where you sit all day. But it doesn’t stop at shit, the bathroom is the one place to go hock up loogies, let out those ass-tearing farts and yank that wedgie out of your ass. Next time you see a bathroom attendant just remember; in another life they could be shitting on your desk.

Harmonica

Where did the term fag come from?  I understand that in other countries a fag is a cigarette.  Is it because we suck on a cigarette for the smoke within?  Something about sucking on that small stick that translates to sucking on a dick? 

In all reality that would mean that homosexuals could also be called straws or harmonicas.  I think fag is just a fun word and people were looking for an excuse to use it more, like the word teat.  People liked it so it became tit, which is now a playful word for breast.  I’m sorry harmonicas.

Skinny Jeans

I understand that trends come and go, just look at Jnco jeans and 80's hair, but this obsession guys have with wearing girls jeans goes against the entire grain of society. Despite the fact that the pants look completely ridiculous on a man, these things were created for a reason. Men naturally have bigger frames and that whole penis thing that alters the design for the pants.
If a guy has a weird attraction to tight clothes I suggest some spandex, perhaps a leotard or a spiderman costume.At the very least this would help keep these people from blending in to modern society, and will keep the rest of the populous from having to watch them strut around uncomfortably.

Acting

Why do singers and wrestlers insist on being in movies?  You are doing well in your element (there are very few exceptions), don’t fuck that up.  For the love of all that is holy, don’t mess up my media with your half-ass acting because you think that you should be allowed to “expand your craft”.  Stick with your shitty music and stage acting and we will continue to cast foreigners to act in American roles, they do it better than you, the end.

Children

-There is a television show about monsters that live in a ghetto in New York.  On this show there are two men that live together and sleep in the same bed, a bum living in a trash can (and is pissed about it) a creature that has a unstoppable addiction, and a giant bird that has an imaginary friend that to my knowledge is mostly mammoth.  This is what we deem acceptable to our children.  On top of this we tell kids that the homeless need our help, there is such a thing as the bird flu, and that homosexuality is a sin.  Then we wonder why we have to medicate our kids.

I'm Just Sayin'

Something about the phrase "I'm just sayin'" pisses me off.
When you say something, it's said, we get it, we are standing five feet from you, we heard it. There is no need to tell us again that you just said it. It's over redundant.
Some people say it as if to defend what they just said, ie:This chicken tastes like fried assholes, I'm just sayin'. As if those three words make the previous statement less offensive to the cook. If that's what you look to accomplish, use a different phrase like:Your painting looks like a 4 year old did it, but you're still cool. At least that has some more positive backing.
Think twice before you "just sayin'" because you don't want to come off as an over redundant loser that doesn't have a big enough vocabulary or enough to actually talk about that you have to repeat yourself, but you're still cool.